A lawyer cruised through an intersection, catching the attention of a vigilant policeman. With flashing lights, the officer signaled for him to pull over. Rolling down his window, the lawyer inquired, "What seems to be the issue, officer?"
The policeman, requested, "Could I see your license and registration, please?"
The lawyer responded, "May I ask why?"
"You failed to comply with the stop sign back there," the officer explained.
The lawyer argued, "I did slow down, and there was no other traffic."
The officer insisted, "But you still need to come to a complete stop, regardless of the circumstances. License and registration, please."
The lawyer pressed on, "What's the distinction, then?"
"The difference is in the full cessation of movement," the officer clarified, growing slightly impatient. "I need to see your license and registration NOW."
The lawyer proposed a challenge, "If you can convincingly explain the disparity between 'slowing down' and 'stopping,' I'll gladly hand over my documents."
The officer retorted, "OK, Step out of the vehicle, sir."
The officer, losing his composure, brandished his nightstick and unleashed a flurry of blows upon the lawyer.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
At the funeral of a lawyer's wife, the mourners were shocked to see the inscription on her tombstone.
It read, "Here lies Phyllis, beloved wife of Attorney Murray Williams, specializing in divorce and malpractice."
Seeing the inscription, Murray burst into tears. His brother, trying to console him, said, "You should be crying, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this on your wife's grave."
Murray, still sobbing, replied, "You don't understand. I gave them my business card…."
His brother, feeling embarrassed for his hasty judgment, apologized.
Murray added, "… And they didn't include my phone number!"
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
would you go to lunch or a comedy show?
Why did the jury weep at the molester's hearing?
It was a very touching trial.
Because they can always beat the charges.
Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?
The rapist.
What do you call a group of 12 male adult film actors when they meet in a court room? A hung jury.
I had to go to court today, I didn't like it. Everyone was so judgmental.
What do you name a jail cell for podcasters: WordPress.
A retired Florida man was arrested for refusing to nap... he was resisting a rest.
What do you discover in the filing cabinets of a law firm?
Organized crime.
That judgmental friend: If you never smoked, you could have had a Ferrari by now.
Me: Where's your Ferrari?
Because he'll always be in a "cents".
Ever since I purchased a Tesla and they legalized weed, life hasn't been the same. Now I have to inform hitchhikers that booty is the only acceptable form of payment.
The salesman said it was the cream de la Kremlin, but every time it's Putin gear, it keeps stalling. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not Lenin you my car!
Why did the lawyer wear a wig to court?
Because he wanted to give his argument a little more weight!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head above water!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep track of his billable hours!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to swoop in and save the day!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints on his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to make a dramatic entrance!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints on his argument!
Murphy's law is about bad luck, Godwin's law is about Hitler, and Coleslaw is...
Finely shredded cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing.
Prophets were at an all-time high
My grandfather knew the precise time, date, and year that he was going to die.
He wasn't clairvoyant. The referee informed him.
A: Because deep down they're actually good people.
Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"
Guess you could say they were dough in captivity.
I’m concerned about this lawsuit against Madison Cawthorn. I just don’t see him strolling away from this one.
A man walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Dammit Jim, I told you not to put the blind person in the regular jail cell!"
Say the lice.
Why did the judge go to the doctor?
Because he had a case of the flu!
Why did the lawyer wear sunglasses to court?
Because he didn't want to see the judge's reaction!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to make a grand entrance!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head in the game!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case on track!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from sagging!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from going off track!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting loose!
An engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was older.
The engineer said, "Well, in the book of Genesis, it says that God created the earth out of chaos and void, so it must have been an engineer who did it."
The lawyer replied, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a software engineer?
A software engineer will fix your bug, while a lawyer will just tell you why it's not their problem.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist?
A journalist will twist your words to sell newspapers, while a lawyer will twist your words to win a case.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a priest?
A priest will hear your confession, while a lawyer will make you confess.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an actor?
An actor will pretend to be someone else, while a lawyer will pretend to care about someone else.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a barber?
A barber will cut your hair, while a lawyer will cut your assets.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a scientist?
A scientist will search for the truth, while a lawyer will search for the loophole.
Do you know the distinction between in-laws and outlaws?
At least the outlaws are wanted by somebody.
Acknowledgment: My dad.
I've just been watching the ladies playing beach volleyball and there has already been a bad wrist injury.
I should be okay by the morning though.
Judge: For your crimes against our citizens, I hereby sentence you to a decade in prison.
Man: That’s a lengthy sentence. Can you shorten it?
Judge: Okay. You go to jail for 10 years.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Stay off the Grass.
My neighbors all call me "The Lawnmower Whisperer."
Communicating with lawnmowers is pretty easy, actually. All you have to do is say, "Hello, how are you, Juan?"
Where did my brother-in-law spend his honeymoon?
In Indiana!
My buddy works for the telephone company, fixing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser power can cause permanent eye damage. He said he would check it out.
I got summoned for jury duty today...
When my name was finally called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor checked me out and then promptly dismissed me.
Something about not wanting to chance a "hung jury".
The incorrect picture ended up in prison. It was set up.
At the scene of the murder:
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I'm a cop.
When I kick the bucket, I want my pals to do two things: 1) Spread my ashes on my ex’s front yard.
2) Additionally, I don’t want to be cremated.
Why can't Irishmen become lawyers?
They can never get past the bar.
What's the distinction between in-laws and outlaws? The outlaws are wanted. *shoutout to the customer who called in and finished the phone call with a joke to spread some cheer*
Why did the Vatican declare pirates were criminals? Because the cabin boy wouldn't share his loot!
What happens if a frog parks illegally?
It gets toad.
Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?
The file was made by The Police as part of a Sting operation.
A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...
The following day, the newspaper reads "Team will play without Dicks."
Enraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper alter the headline and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks sidelined."
A Jehovah’s Witness knocked on my door this morning.
"Could you spare a few moments to talk about Judgement Day?" he inquired.
"Well," I retorted, "I'm not a huge fan of the Terminator franchise." I joked.
The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"
The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"
The judge says: "You must pay the court $12,000."
Mario, surprised, asks: "Why?"
The judge replies: "It's a penalty."
Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: "No, it isn't.
Oh come on, they're a progressive country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.
What do you call a marsh-dwelling reptile with a law degree?
A litigator!
An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang
The gang leader says, "Well, do you have a bike?"
"Sure! I just purchased a new Harley!"
"Are you okay with drugs?"
"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"
"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the police?"
"No, but I got swung around by the boobs once!
An elderly woman strolls into a biker bar;
One of the bikers promptly approaches her and informs her that this is a private bar for outlaw bikers ONLY.
"Well, I've skirted the law a few times in my day" replies the elderly woman.
"Yeah? You ever been nabbed by the fuzz?"
"No... but I've been spun around by the girls a few times.
Did you know it's legal to allow cannibals to eat you?
It might cost an arm and a leg, however.
What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?
High and parched.
Oh Crimea a river would ya!
What are police officers called in Vatican City?
The Pope Po
My mother-in-law got pulled over. The cop asked, "Whats in the bottle?" She says, "water." He says, "it looks like wine!" She's like, "Praise the Lord, Jesus did it again!
What do you call a Japanese crime scene?
An assassin-Asian.
The band Static X just invented a lawn mower;
Yeah, you push it.
I'm organizing a class action lawsuit against Huggies and Pampers.
Their diapers never hold the 22-37 pounds they claim.
My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge concurred;
Apparently it's grounds for a divorce.
What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he murdered?
Crimea river
What's the difference between a lawyer and an IRS agent?
One will cheat you legally, and the other will cheat you illegally.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a used car salesman?
A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a plumber?
A plumber will unclog your drain, while a lawyer will drain your bank account.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a waiter?
A waiter will bring you food, while a lawyer will bring you trouble.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gardener?
A gardener will prune your trees, while a lawyer will prune your wallet.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a writer?
A writer will create a story, while a lawyer will create a storyboard.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a sociologist?
A sociologist will study society, while a lawyer will study the law.
I love you so much I'd wrestle a bear for you.
Well not a grizzly bear because
they have claws, and not a panda bear
because they know Kung Fu... But a
care bear, I'd definitely fight a care
bear for you.
What is the distinction between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are desired!
Is there anything this chap doesn't find arousing?
Why should polygamy be legal?
Any man willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!
What did the bound lobster fear more than boiling water?
Claw-Strophobia.
If the law passes, then Germany will über everything
The defendant told his lawyer, "Well, so is 20-50 years!" he responded.
Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him, “Why did you create counterfeit money?”
The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying, “Because making genuine money is impossible.”
The judge said, "Thanks for serving!"
The juror said, "Just doing my Civic Duty!"
Who's the sheriff in the font world?
Sans Deputy
