- "Susan?"
- "I had a cold and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!"
- "Very good. What about you, Johnny?"
- "Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!
What do you call a Black man with 4 years of medical school?
A doctor, you ignorant racist!
Why do communists despise schools? Because schools have categories.
One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes silly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make silly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?
An old school acquaintance messaged me on Facebook saying I could become wealthy by selling Egyptian artifacts. Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme.
I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants.
He said, "Botany?"
I said, "Not yet, but when I graduate I will be able to afford a bunch.
The report states:
History A
Math A+
Science A+
Literature A
Geography B+
The father grabs a gun and shoots him in the head.
The mother, shocked and in tears, asks: "Why did you shoot him?!"
And the Boss replies: "He knew too much.
Like dude, you're worrying about the wrong first period.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
Middle school for me was like Charles Darwin.
Naturally, I wasn't picked by anybody.
I said, "Son, that's the fourth school this year.
Maybe being a teacher in an elementary school isn't for you.
Finally, at 60, I married my high school crush!
She graduates this year!
I walked in on my teachers getting busy
Damn homeschooling
My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.
He said that his son showed the bartender his older brother's passport.
I just lost my innocence to the hottest girl in school. I don't understand what all the fuss about homeschooling is about.
Public school is crazy.
I just watched the movie 1917,
and it reminded me of the cafeteria line in middle school.
But honestly, I feel awkward wearing the dress.
Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?
I wanted to high five this student so hard.
Have you heard of the new movie "Constipation"?
No?
That's probably because it hasn't come out yet.
This joke was told to me by a kid in elementary school.
Why did the spaghetti chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria?
They caught him pasta-napping.
To "knock me out when September starts."
Hey girl, are you a school?
Because I want to teach kids inside you.
To "knock me out when September starts."
It says something about a school system:
When adults take days to count some pieces of paper.
What do you get when you shove a piano out of the second-story window of an elementary school? A flat minor.
I remember my first day of school, I cried when my mom dropped me off...
No sorry, first day of college.
When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, the teacher caught me.
And then they expelled me.
He went on a rant about how education in America is flawed and asked me, "who's in charge of the education system?"
"Your mother," I replied.
When I was in high school, I wished I could be invisible so that I could sneak into the girls' locker room.
Now that I'm married, a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front of me and pretends I'm invisible every day!
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came in handy.
You know that thing in middle school we all used to do, where you took a mechanical pencil and pressed it into your arm to pretend it’s a needle... Well I tickled a dead moose.
Where do pirates receive their education?
Pirate university
I went to high school with a kid named Stains;
The class couldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said, “Come Stains, to my office”.
Due to a drastic rise in teachers having affairs with their students, homeschooling has been outlawed by the Governor of Alabama.
I was scared of dying alone,
so I became a school bus driver.
When I was a kid a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.
I couldn't understand a darn thing he said.
My middle school chemistry professor once stated, "Alcohol is not a solution, it's a distillation" *smirks*
I was nervous my first day in prison, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...
but I lost my job as a middle school teacher.
What has four legs and one arm? An aggressive dog in an elementary school.
Republicans are the real snowflakes. They're white, they're chilly, and if you gather enough of them, they'll close down public schools.
Did you hear about the Richard that graduated from Law School?
He was appointed the first attorney genital.
I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it.
I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"
In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker.
To this day, I still don't get why she insisted that 6 + 6 equals 13.
^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg
I was communicating through sign language with a one-armed man...
The issue was I was only receiving half of what he was expressing.
I came up with this joke yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was demonstrating what she learned at preschool.
I got kicked out of clown school;
Must've been something I said.
A Muslim man walks into an elementary school...
To pick up his wives.
**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are "other countries"?
**A Chinese student:** What's "my own opinion"?
Why did Drake return to high school? To retrieve his girlfriend.
So one time, I had a crush on my female tutor...
But then I remembered I was homeschooled.
Why are female schoolteachers always so angry?
They have recess every half hour!
Why couldn't Jesus get into medical school? He kept getting hung up on the tests.
So last week I had my driving test;
Halfway through the test, we passed a kindergarten and unfortunately someone walked out onto the road, it took me completely by surprise. I was really upset that I'd failed my test, until the examiner assured me that it was fine, it was only a minor.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.
Cons of my high school years: My twin brother and I were homeschooled.
My grandma, 86 years old, just started medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is embracing death to the fullest.
I was terrible in school.
I failed math so many times I can't even calculate.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?
The principal was mad when they woke him up!
Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this out loud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.
My wife asked me to get our 4-year-old redhead son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him & took his lunch money.
I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got to talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I proved him wrong though. I sneezed in his fries.
I played the Soviet Union anthem in my private school; now it's a public school
Credit to a YouTube commenter
The American education system is a lot like an EA game...
It's mainly broken, and if you fork over more cash, you can unlock features that give you an edge over everyone else.
I have a buddy who worked in Chicago his whole life telling me it's not that violent... He's a tail gunner on a kindergarten bus.
Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home:
You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a couple of months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
I met my girlfriend in elementary school.
I can't wait until she goes to college.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was correct....
Alcohol IS a solution.
"I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."
"You call that smart?" says the other. "I let them carry me around until I was 4."
Son to his mother: "Mom, all the kids at school are teasing me because I'm still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them failing grades and they'll stop."
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student:
- What are your parents' names?
The student replied:
- My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling.
The teacher said:
- Are you serious?
The student said:
- No, Serious is my brother. I am Joking.
Something ain't right with society when high school girls are dressing like hookers...
...and hookers are dressing like high school girls!!
Why can't Michael Jackson go near a school zone? Because he's deceased.
Why don't farts graduate from high school? Because they always get expelled.
I never took geometry in high school;
I heard it was for rectangles.
The tiny spikes are on the outside of the pineapple!
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was correct....
Alcohol IS a solution.
How many Gestapo agents does it require to change a lightbulb?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!!
Courtesy of my brain regurgitating random memories from primary school.
University is like high school; to a degree.
The minimum drinking age in Arkansas has been raised to 32. Looks like they really want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
I went to a junior high dance back in the day. It was kinda lame, looking back on it. The music was terrible, they ran out of snacks, and there wasn’t even a punchline.
What happened to the blonde who attempted to blow up a school bus? She singed her lips on the tailpipe.
A man waltzes into the bar,
But fails because he was too busy drinking through law school.
Middle school dance parties probaby look like a Fortnite lobby now.
Lots of ridiculous dancing and unnecessary building.
And Sherlock Holmes points and says, "Elementary, my dear Watson." Watson, realizing how obvious this is, replies, "No kidding, Sherlock!
Today I can proudly say that I've annoyed all of my classmates; I'm homeschooled. Sweet home Alabama.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.
Cons of my high school years: my twin brother and I were homeschooled.
An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war:
He said, "And there was a bloke behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, chaps everywhere!" The headmistress turned pale and said, "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran replied, "That may be, Madam, but these chaps were in Messerschmidts."
What's lengthy, dark, and makes schoolgirls scream?
AR-15
I got called names like teeny weenie, micro-soft, and pickled pecker.
9 year old girls sure can make a teacher feel inadequate.
I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old, she enrolled in medical school; she's a cadaver.
Homeschool dilemmas.
I caught my older brother practicing Kung Fu when I was a kid; he told me he was doing some special moves. I'll never forget the day my primary school teacher asked our class who could perform Kung Fu.
What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?
Both are lowering the world's average IQ!
A mother approaches him and asks:
"Are you waiting for a child?"
So he replies:
"No, I'm just chubby"
Why is the National Rifle Association declaring bankruptcy?
Because schools are shut down.
Dr. Watson: How young is too young?
Elementary school, my dear Watson.
What’s the discrepancy between a cactus and a teachers' lounge?
The teachers' lounge has all the pricks on the inside.
An American tells a Russian that people in the USA have freedom of speech and that he could even go to the White House and shout, "Go to heck, Ronald Reagan!" The Russian responds, "Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to the Kremlin and shout, 'Go to heck, Ronald Reagan!
In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to sleep?
The big hand touches the little hand.
Have you heard? They bumped up the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It looks like they're really trying to keep alcohol away from the high schools!
