The pink panther likes to dance;
To do to do to do to do to do to dooo dodododo
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out sizzling ducks!
Today I learned that humans consume more bananas than monkeys. I can't recall the last time I ate a monkey.
A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle. Rescue efforts are being hindered.
Archeologists in South Africa have just discovered what they think is the oldest tampon ever found.
They are trying to determine what era it came from.
Deep in the jungles of Vietnam... you don't know what's friend and what's pho
If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole,
and a fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey lives in an asshole?
Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?
Burger Kong.
Do you have monkey wrench eyes? Because every time you look at me, my bolts get a little tighter
Purrsty.
A man walks into a restaurant and orders the rabbit stew. He takes one slurp, then suddenly spits it out. He exclaims, "waiter, there is a rabbit in my stew!
What magical school does a Giraffe practice?
Neckromancy
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a giraffe? A really tall pecker.
Why do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?
Kicked out of the zoo.
There are actually TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.
A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.
There's a central African tribe of pygmy called the Fakawi.
But how did they get this name?
Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall.
Every now and then they could be seen jumping up shouting...
"Where the Fakawi?
I always feel bad for the children in Africa when I waste water.
And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the penguins.
What did Tiger Woods receive for Christmas?
Half of everything.
Why is the Pink Panther the busiest of cats?
He always has something to do,
to do, to do, do do dodo dodoooh
If Donald Trump wins I'm heading back to Africa. For some political stability...
...now I have a hare-less meowster!
But seriously, RIP Carrots.
If Tiger Woods and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?
Tiger Woods! Because he has a better driver!
I'll be in heaven if you need me.
A giraffe strolls into an airport, and a TSA agent approaches him and inquires:
"Hey, is this your laptop?"
The giraffe replies:
"I figured you'd never ask
I recently flew to Africa for some charity work.
It was a eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starving, the fighting.... the stench, the racket....
I am never flying coach again.
What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?
Gen X
What material are the Pink Panther's pants made out of?
Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmm
What kind of phone does an Animal Crossing character have?
A meowkia
Where do tigers go for ice cream?
Carol Baskin Robbins
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your baby for you.
Why did the monkey tumble out of the tree?
Because it was deceased.
How do trees go potty in the forest?
They drop a log!
What destroyed Tiger Woods' golf career? His parking skills.
Why did the Tiger flee from the lion?
The lion took over the golf course.
A monkey escaped from the petting zoo and rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.
Because there wasn't a zebra crossing.
Sorry, my 5-year-old son made me share this.
Is it safe to visit the forests of Germany?
I heard there may be a tree-mendous danger.
... it's that many of today's teenagers resemble farm animals.
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the forest.
The bear glances over at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "Nope, never been a problem. Just lucky that way, I suppose."
"Guess so," the bear said, as he picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.
I despise monkey bars; they only serve banana daiquiris.
A giraffe struts into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You want a tall one?"
The giraffe replies, "You mean I have options?
4 out of 5 forest fires are started by people...
Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to ignite matches.
What do you call a cuddly bunny?
Hugs Bunny
"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your game."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"Your balls are 3 inches from the pin.
What do you call a team of medical experts who sail around the Horn of Africa without getting bothered by pirates?
Doctors without borders.
No, they come already spotted.
- Courtesy of my eight-year-old, about ten seconds ago.
What happens when there's an earthquake in the Horn of Africa?
Shake Djibouti!
I must get that new Monkey Pox virus!
I think I'm going ape.
What's the discrepancy between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can lug something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can haul someone half her age into bed.
Why can't you find painkillers in the rainforest?
Because they're all tree-mendously hard to spot!
Animal Crossing and Doom Eternal are coming out on the same day. Do I play a slightly more forgiving, welcoming and less violent simulation of real life?
Or do I play Doom Eternal instead?
And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"
Why are lions terrible at driving?
They always get stuck at every zebra crossing.
The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and declared, "All shall be defeated... except those in makeshift shelters held up by a pole, and fully aquatic creatures with shovel-shaped teeth!"
The zone was secure for everyone in tents and dolphins.
I heard Africa has a bump...
Good news, it's Benin!
Did you guys hear about the guy that went bowling in NY after he came back from West Africa?
They say he ebola'd a perfect game.
The Thriller Whale!
Did you know Ronnie Pickering created the giraffe?
He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it.
I bet you $20 I can predict the score of the big game tonight before it even begins.
Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0
The color scheme of most public bathrooms at public beaches and forests is on the depressing earth-tones and brown side... I mean, poop.
Who's there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no pants, I'm going skinny dipping
The Ohio and Michigan School of Lions, Tigers, and Bears.
Go OH, MI!
What do you call a one-eyed cougar? A Mountain Lion.
Guy: We should really reconsider testing our products on animals.
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Guy: Yeah, but we manufacture hammers.
I was in town today and saw an elderly woman attempting to cross the street. Every time she stepped off the curb a car nearly hit her. I yelled at her, "There's a zebra crossing down there." She yelled back, "I hope he's having better luck than I am.
The worst part about Tiger Woods' driving is that it's likely going to add to his handicap.
A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.
He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have plenty of great choices on tap."
Lion: "Come on man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?
Why isn't the chicken crossing the road?
Because it's a zebra crossing.
Dark humor is like chocolate in Africa;
Not everyone gets it.
Sorry, I meant 55%
Edit: 45%
Edit2: 30%
Edit3: 5%
Edit4: Weird, Brazil doesn't even own a rainforest
I have the gaze of a tiger, the courage of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
Why did the brain doctor go to an African animal college?
He wanted to study the hippo-campus.
A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says:
"...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this off."
How do elephants disguise themselves in the jungle? They paint their toenails pink and hide up cherry trees. What's the noisiest sound in the jungle? Giraffes munching on the berries.
What do you call an East African prince who's also a wine connoisseur?
A sommelier Somali heir
How do adorable animals like their meat?
r/aww
How did the African island challenge Tesla?
Madagascar.
How do you begin an earthquake in East Africa?
Shake Djibouti.
Some lions recently broke out of a nature reserve in South Africa.
They were ousted from their clique.
Perhaps they could try to rejoin the group.
However, their ego wouldn't allow it.
Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta confess I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're frightened... I gotta walk back alone!"
Regardless, my recollection of my pet is quite spotty.
Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly hangs out with.
That’s quite reckless. He shouldn't be fooling around with wild creatures like that. I know he believes he's friendly and won't bite, but Mike Tyson has displayed signs of aggression in the past.
How do dyslexic bunnies pass the time?
They duck like bunnies.
I'm so proud of my African pen pal. He told me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. That's the attitude! Keep it up pal.
What's black and white and lives in Africa?
A zebra.
What's black and white and hides in caves?
A zebra that owes me dough.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime apes.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different branches at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but jerks.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Can a tiger find the baby human?
Shere Khan
Did you know before they had monkey bars, monkeys would just drink at home?
I was kidnapped by a mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear paws.
He asks the bartender, "What the heck is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish guy shouts back, "Oh my goodness! How big are the cats?"
If I could be an animal for one day, I think I'd choose a sloth.
You get two animals that are in a baaaad moooood.
What do you call a quick-moving marine creature in its natural environment?
A speedy fish in the ocean.
What led to the tiger's downfall in golf:
He used his driver on too many holes.
I spotted a cougar at the zoo today.
Now it looks like a cheetah.
