Nearly 200 million Chinese children are back to school after the COVID-19 crisis.
Unemployment strikes once more!
Why didn't the sun return to school? Because it already has a million degrees.
I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants.
He said, "Botany?"
I said, "Not yet, but when I graduate I will be able to afford a bunch.
Well, I didn't plan on going to school today but, my alarm jammed.
Sending kids back to school at this time will make them overeducated but dead inside.
I mean, we already have millennials.
I just can't believe he's abandoning me!
I watched a movie named "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes a famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't particularly enjoy it.
Too much background information.
Why did the corn maze return to school?
It was exhausted of working in a dead-end field.
A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds furious... at having to go back to school.
In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to sleep?
The big hand touches the little hand.
Where do pirates receive their education?
Pirate university
You don't see individuals planking anymore, but I hear they still do it at boarding school.
What's the distinction between a Pakistani primary school and an Al-Qaeda hideout? I dunno dude, I just fly the drone.
I saw two children brawling on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to intervene...
Those little rascals didn't stand a chance...
To my elementary school math teacher who first taught me subtraction.
Thank you for encouraging me to make a negative impact.
I got A's in primary school. I got C's in secondary school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades worsen.
I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.
If it weren't for that, being homeschooled wouldn't have been so tough.
Why did elementary school children ask their Hispanic janitor about Chinese currency? Because it takes Juan to know Yuan!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?
It's fine now, he woke up.
- "Susan?"
- "I had a cold and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!"
- "Very good. What about you, Johnny?"
- "Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?
The principal was mad when they woke him up!
Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this out loud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.
Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies:
Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England
Student: what’s new England?
England: *enters* nothin much what’s new with you
What do you call an elementary school dropout?
An anti-vax child.
Teacher: Next week, we have a field trip to visit Uranus.
Kid: Your Anus?
Teacher: No... You're headed to timeout for the field trip.
A priest and high school student are running out of a burning elementary school.
The priest says: Should we save the children?
The high school student says: Screw the children!
The priest says: Do we have time?
A Muslim man walks into an elementary school...
To pick up his wives.
It's a myth that people don't kiss in elementary school, I kissed loads of girls!
I miss being a student.
Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man, because my uncle was bitten by a radioactive spider.
What do flies sip? - Fly swatter.
Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since elementary schoo. They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him. "Hey, G." Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!
I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".
I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank goodness you didn't really read the book, although I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".
Why was Selena Gomez suspended in primary school?
Because she couldn't keep her hands off herself.
I said, "Son, that's the fourth school this year.
Maybe being a teacher in an elementary school isn't for you.
"What I want to be *WHEN* I grow up"
One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things. Like kicking that jerk in the face.
The cop boasts, "I'm the quickest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute."
The firefighter retorts, "That's nothing, I can dash into a blazing building and rescue someone in 30 seconds."
The bureaucrat chimes in, "Pshh, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2.
What do you get when you shove a piano out of the second-story window of an elementary school? A flat minor.
I've got an elementary school reunion coming up that I'm dreading,
because I've gained about a hundred pounds.
My son was expelled from elementary school for receiving a handjob from a girl in his class. I said to him, "Son, this is the third time this year, if you don't straighten out, you will lose your teaching license!
One day I got picked and the letter of that day was "N" so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, "N," and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling.
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa has only 3 stockings. This joke is from my elementary school.
A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, “Daddy why are you prohibited from visiting elementary school?” The dad calmly replies, “Because that’s how I encountered your mother.”
Where do Avatars learn to bend?
At primary school!
A study conducted among hundreds of elementary school classes revealed that the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.
Dr. Watson: How young is too young?
Elementary school, my dear Watson.
What has four legs and one arm? An aggressive dog in an elementary school.
Have you heard of the new movie "Constipation"?
No?
That's probably because it hasn't come out yet.
This joke was told to me by a kid in elementary school.
So, the other day I asked this girl out in class and she just looked at me, freaked out, and then called the police on me.
Now I don't know if another elementary school will hire me.
Kid comes home from the first day of school and mom and dad ask him what he learned in school today.
The little boy responds, "not enough I reckon.. they want me to come back tomorrow."
The teacher says, "Sit quietly, and if you have anything to ask, raise your hand."
A boy raises his hand.
-You have a question, honey?
-Nope, just testing the system
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note said, "The thoughts shared by this child may not be reflective of his parents' beliefs.
Two little boys meet on the first day of school. "I'm Billy. What about you?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Dad is an accountant. What does your Dad do?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Dad is a lawyer." "For real?" asked Billy. "Nope, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.
A boy hurried home after his first day of school, eager to tell his father how it went. “Dad! The teacher asked the whole class a question, but I was the only one who knew the answer and I got it correct!”; “That’s fantastic, son! You’re off to a good start already. Something that I taught you, no doubt! What was the question?”; “The teacher asked us “who passed gas?!””
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student:
- What are your parents' names?
The student replied:
- My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling.
The teacher said:
- Are you serious?
The student said:
- No, Serious is my brother. I am Joking.
What did the bison say to his son on the first day of school?
"Bye, son!
I remember my first day of school, I cried when my mom dropped me off...
No sorry, first day of college.
My wife told me to get our redheaded son ready for his first day of school...
So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money.
The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography. The rest, as they say, is geography.
The first day of school was always hilarious. I remember goofing off in the classroom and causing chaos. Picking on the little kids and stealing their lunch money. Asserting myself on the playground by tripping and pushing everyone.
I just hope the students were enjoying themselves.
Got an email from my Son's grade school today ...
Seems my little boy got sent to the Principal's office for showing his Teacher the finger.
The school staff still can't figure out who it belongs to and where he got it.
A grade school teacher was teaching her students about the importance of coins.
She took a half-dollar and placed it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what this is?" she asked.
From the back of the room came the response: "Tails!
In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker.
To this day, I still don't get why she insisted that 6 + 6 equals 13.
^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg
What's brown and adhesive?
*
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A Stick!!
If you have five gems, and Billy takes four gems, and Sally gives you two gems, how many gems do you have?
It was then that I realized the kids were all doing gem math.
My elementary school teacher would often touch me in awkward places.
Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled.
My grade school math teacher once asked us what 280 x 18 was. I kept yelling "7!" but apparently we weren't on the subject of factorials yet.
My elementary school teacher asked me to name two pronouns.
Only half listening to the lesson, I responded with "Who, me?"
When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, the teacher caught me.
And then they expelled me.
I knew a kid in elementary school who was born with deformed eyelids. So they took the skin from his circumcision to fix his deformity. For the rest of his life he was cock-eyed.
My apologies, officer, but I was actually in kindergarten at that time!
How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They understand what grams are.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.
Cons of my high school years: My twin brother and I were homeschooled.
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
I got voted "Most Likely to Fail" by my high school class...
Damn, I hate being a teacher.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was correct....
Alcohol IS a solution.
I was disappointed in high school when I couldn't even jump one hurdle. But I overcame it.
Soccer is like a high school dance...
It's 90 minutes of scoreless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.
Son to his mother: "Mom, all the kids at school are teasing me because I'm still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them failing grades and they'll stop."
We had a band in high school named 1023 Megabytes. We never made it to a gig.
I ran into an old high school buddy last night. She said I used to tease her about her weight all the time, and even though I personally don't remember, she must be correct; elephants never forget.
When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.
But she also corrected the grammar and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.
What do you call a cowboy that's lost all his land?
Deranged!
I had a job in high school where I literally shattered every record - well, except for at Tower Records, that wasn't so great.
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.
So, what are the chances?
We always knew...he would accomplice something someday.
Years ago, I mercilessly pummeled my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were shattered.
Come to think of it, that's likely why I felt confident enough to rough him up.
I asked a pothead if he went to high school.
He said no, but he went to school high!
