Nearly 200 million Chinese children are back to school after the COVID-19 crisis.
Unemployment strikes once more!
Why didn't the sun return to school? Because it already has a million degrees.
I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants.
He said, "Botany?"
I said, "Not yet, but when I graduate I will be able to afford a bunch.
Well, I didn't plan on going to school today but, my alarm jammed.
Sending kids back to school at this time will make them overeducated but dead inside.
I mean, we already have millennials.
I just can't believe he's abandoning me!
I watched a movie named "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes a famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't particularly enjoy it.
Too much background information.
Why did the corn maze return to school?
It was exhausted of working in a dead-end field.
A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds furious... at having to go back to school.
In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to sleep?
The big hand touches the little hand.
Where do pirates receive their education?
Pirate university
You don't see individuals planking anymore, but I hear they still do it at boarding school.
What's the distinction between a Pakistani primary school and an Al-Qaeda hideout? I dunno dude, I just fly the drone.
I saw two children brawling on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to intervene...
Those little rascals didn't stand a chance...
To my elementary school math teacher who first taught me subtraction.
Thank you for encouraging me to make a negative impact.
I got A's in primary school. I got C's in secondary school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades worsen.
I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.
If it weren't for that, being homeschooled wouldn't have been so tough.
Why did elementary school children ask their Hispanic janitor about Chinese currency? Because it takes Juan to know Yuan!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?
It's fine now, he woke up.
- "Susan?"
- "I had a cold and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!"
- "Very good. What about you, Johnny?"
- "Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson started painting her fence last night, daddy says it's gonna take the contagious!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?
The principal was mad when they woke him up!
Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this out loud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.
Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies:
Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England
Student: what’s new England?
England: *enters* nothin much what’s new with you
What do you call an elementary school dropout?
An anti-vax child.
Teacher: Next week, we have a field trip to visit Uranus.
Kid: Your Anus?
Teacher: No... You're headed to timeout for the field trip.
A priest and high school student are running out of a burning elementary school.
The priest says: Should we save the children?
The high school student says: Screw the children!
The priest says: Do we have time?
A Muslim man walks into an elementary school...
To pick up his wives.
It's a myth that people don't kiss in elementary school, I kissed loads of girls!
I miss being a student.
Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man, because my uncle was bitten by a radioactive spider.
What do flies sip? - Fly swatter.
Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since elementary schoo. They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him. "Hey, G." Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!
I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".
I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank goodness you didn't really read the book, although I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".
Why was Selena Gomez suspended in primary school?
Because she couldn't keep her hands off herself.
I said, "Son, that's the fourth school this year.
Maybe being a teacher in an elementary school isn't for you.
"What I want to be *WHEN* I grow up"
One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things. Like kicking that jerk in the face.
The cop boasts, "I'm the quickest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute."
The firefighter retorts, "That's nothing, I can dash into a blazing building and rescue someone in 30 seconds."
The bureaucrat chimes in, "Pshh, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2.
What do you get when you shove a piano out of the second-story window of an elementary school? A flat minor.
I've got an elementary school reunion coming up that I'm dreading,
because I've gained about a hundred pounds.
My son was expelled from elementary school for receiving a handjob from a girl in his class. I said to him, "Son, this is the third time this year, if you don't straighten out, you will lose your teaching license!
One day I got picked and the letter of that day was "N" so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, "N," and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling.
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa has only 3 stockings. This joke is from my elementary school.
A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, “Daddy why are you prohibited from visiting elementary school?” The dad calmly replies, “Because that’s how I encountered your mother.”
Where do Avatars learn to bend?
At primary school!
A study conducted among hundreds of elementary school classes revealed that the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.
Dr. Watson: How young is too young?
Elementary school, my dear Watson.
What has four legs and one arm? An aggressive dog in an elementary school.
Have you heard of the new movie "Constipation"?
No?
That's probably because it hasn't come out yet.
This joke was told to me by a kid in elementary school.
So, the other day I asked this girl out in class and she just looked at me, freaked out, and then called the police on me.
Now I don't know if another elementary school will hire me.
Kid comes home from the first day of school and mom and dad ask him what he learned in school today.
The little boy responds, "not enough I reckon.. they want me to come back tomorrow."
The teacher says, "Sit quietly, and if you have anything to ask, raise your hand."
A boy raises his hand.
-You have a question, honey?
-Nope, just testing the system
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note said, "The thoughts shared by this child may not be reflective of his parents' beliefs.
Two little boys meet on the first day of school. "I'm Billy. What about you?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Dad is an accountant. What does your Dad do?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Dad is a lawyer." "For real?" asked Billy. "Nope, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.
A boy hurried home after his first day of school, eager to tell his father how it went. “Dad! The teacher asked the whole class a question, but I was the only one who knew the answer and I got it correct!”; “That’s fantastic, son! You’re off to a good start already. Something that I taught you, no doubt! What was the question?”; “The teacher asked us “who passed gas?!””
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student:
- What are your parents' names?
The student replied:
- My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling.
The teacher said:
- Are you serious?
The student said:
- No, Serious is my brother. I am Joking.
What did the bison say to his son on the first day of school?
"Bye, son!
I remember my first day of school, I cried when my mom dropped me off...
No sorry, first day of college.
My wife told me to get our redheaded son ready for his first day of school...
So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money.
The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography. The rest, as they say, is geography.
The first day of school was always hilarious. I remember goofing off in the classroom and causing chaos. Picking on the little kids and stealing their lunch money. Asserting myself on the playground by tripping and pushing everyone.
I just hope the students were enjoying themselves.
Got an email from my Son's grade school today ...
Seems my little boy got sent to the Principal's office for showing his Teacher the finger.
The school staff still can't figure out who it belongs to and where he got it.
A grade school teacher was teaching her students about the importance of coins.
She took a half-dollar and placed it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what this is?" she asked.
From the back of the room came the response: "Tails!
In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker.
To this day, I still don't get why she insisted that 6 + 6 equals 13.
^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg
What's brown and adhesive?
*
**
***
****
***
**
*
A Stick!!
If you have five gems, and Billy takes four gems, and Sally gives you two gems, how many gems do you have?
It was then that I realized the kids were all doing gem math.
My elementary school teacher would often touch me in awkward places.
Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled.
My grade school math teacher once asked us what 280 x 18 was. I kept yelling "7!" but apparently we weren't on the subject of factorials yet.
My elementary school teacher asked me to name two pronouns.
Only half listening to the lesson, I responded with "Who, me?"
When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, the teacher caught me.
And then they expelled me.
I knew a kid in elementary school who was born with deformed eyelids. So they took the skin from his circumcision to fix his deformity. For the rest of his life he was cock-eyed.
My apologies, officer, but I was actually in kindergarten at that time!
How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They understand what grams are.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.
Cons of my high school years: My twin brother and I were homeschooled.
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
I got voted "Most Likely to Fail" by my high school class...
Damn, I hate being a teacher.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was correct....
Alcohol IS a solution.
I was disappointed in high school when I couldn't even jump one hurdle. But I overcame it.
Soccer is like a high school dance...
It's 90 minutes of scoreless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.
Son to his mother: "Mom, all the kids at school are teasing me because I'm still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them failing grades and they'll stop."
We had a band in high school named 1023 Megabytes. We never made it to a gig.
I ran into an old high school buddy last night. She said I used to tease her about her weight all the time, and even though I personally don't remember, she must be correct; elephants never forget.
When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.
But she also corrected the grammar and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.
What do you call a cowboy that's lost all his land?
Deranged!
I had a job in high school where I literally shattered every record - well, except for at Tower Records, that wasn't so great.
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.
So, what are the chances?
We always knew...he would accomplice something someday.
Years ago, I mercilessly pummeled my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were shattered.
Come to think of it, that's likely why I felt confident enough to rough him up.
I asked a pothead if he went to high school.
He said no, but he went to school high!
The last time I did any public speaking was at the valedictorian speech in high school.
I was the one yelling "You stink!" from the back.
An improper fraction, but still, a fraction.
It's Valentine's Day! I proposed to my high school sweetheart and best friend ever!
The two of them are out in the parking lot right now having a slap battle.
I took a Microsoft Office course in high school.
I Excels in it
A high school music teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I lost my job today. The principal said that I was too controversial," he tells the bartender. "He heard I was making the students play rock music.
What’s the discrepancy between a cactus and a teachers' lounge?
The teachers' lounge has all the pricks on the inside.
The dude who bullied me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.
Now I get the final laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you loser!
Bully: Hey nerd!
Victim: I'm not a nerd, just ask your mother.
Bully: I don't have a mother, idiot.
Victim: Just wait nine months.
I ran into an old classmate from high school I hadn’t seen in 25 years and wow he gained a lot of weight.
I asked him, “When’s the last time you ate a salad?”
He said, “96’ maybe 97’…”
I exclaimed, “kilos ago!?
What did Sigmund Freud say to his high school bully?
"Yo mama so ugly, even your own subconscious doesn't like her"
I like how the girl who called me a "loser" in high school is now blowing up my phone. She sends me things like, "What are your plans for dinner?" and "Your dad and I are going out for dinner, there's food in the fridge.
When I was in high school, I wished I could be invisible so that I could sneak into the girls' locker room.
Now that I'm married, a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front of me and pretends I'm invisible every day!
An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war:
He said, "And there was a bloke behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, chaps everywhere!" The headmistress turned pale and said, "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran replied, "That may be, Madam, but these chaps were in Messerschmidts."
Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam? Because she literally can't even.
Two little old ladies were enjoying the concert by the community orchestra in the high school gymnasium.
One asked the other if she knew the name of the piece they were playing. Her friend answered "That sign over there says it's the Refrain From Spitting.
Did you know that all high school math teachers are single?
You can tell by them always asking you to find the X.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came in handy.
Finally, at 60, I married my high school crush!
She graduates this year!
I started seeing this girl in high school just because we had the same class schedule. What can I say? We had Chemistry together.
What’s the funniest sports team name for a Catholic high school?
The Sinners
I went to high school with a guy named Eugene Lipschitz, but he hated his name so after graduation he changed it to John Lipschitz.
My daughter came home with her high school art project the other day.
It was a painting she titled "Raining Cheerios".
I asked why she decided to paint cheerios falling from the sky.
She responded, "Because I'm a cerealist.
I smoked pot with JLO in high school
We attended J High together.
I went to high school with a kid named Stains;
The class couldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said, “Come Stains, to my office”.
Senior year of High School is a lot like a retirement home:
You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a couple of months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the elementary schools.
I used to have a friend named Floyd, but he's Loyd now. He once cussed at my teacher's class, so the teacher beat the F out of him.
If they repeat high school, aren't they a re-fresh man?
Have you heard? They bumped up the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It looks like they're really trying to keep alcohol away from the high schools!
I used to think I was terrible at dating in high school because I never had a girlfriend.
Prince Andrew must have been even worse, he was 45 when he got a high school girlfriend!
A high school has a $10 swear fine.
One day during gym class, Peter gets caught saying "crap".
He gives the teacher a twenty and says:
"Keep the darn change.
University is like high school; to a degree.
Why does high school remind me of Fortnite? Because you parachute off a bus and shoot everyone you see.
In high school math class ...
I owned a car and I was amazing at calculus. They made me the "designated driver".
Why did Drake return to high school? To retrieve his girlfriend.
On the porcupine, the spikes are on the outside!
Why didn't the mermaid graduate high school?
Because her grades were always below average!
When I finished high school, my parents signed me up for a medical experiment.
It was a 4-year investigation of sleep deprivation and alcohol intake.
They may have called it "college", but I knew the truth.
Why don't farts graduate from high school? Because they always get expelled.
Two people I graduated from high school with recently got engaged...;
...so statistically speaking, one of those is bound to end in divorce.
I never took geometry in high school;
I heard it was for rectangles.
When I was in high school, I was always voted "Most Mysterious".
I can't express how much that meant to me.
Why isn't homeschooling more popular in Texas? Because it costs a lot of money to field your own football team.
Homeschooling canceled in Alabama because too many students were sleeping with their teachers.
Today's homeschooling report: 2 students were suspended for fighting, and 1 teacher was fired for drinking on the job.
To "knock me out when September starts."
My sister always got picked on at school for being adopted, but homeschooling for us was a blast!
I just lost my innocence to the hottest girl in school. I don't understand what all the fuss about homeschooling is about.
My teacher flunked me in SexEd because I didn't feel like talking about the topic.
Worst aspect of homeschooling...
Due to a drastic rise in teachers having affairs with their students, homeschooling has been prohibited by the Governor of Alabama.
I walked in on my teachers getting busy
Damn homeschooling
I used to be a real stud in high school, hooked up with every girl in my class until my mom stopped homeschooling.
Homeschoolers are bad at two things:
1. Math
Why isn't homeschooling more popular in Texas?
Because it costs a ton of cash to field your own football team.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.
Cons of my high school years: my twin brother and I were homeschooled.
Day one of homeschool teaching:
I can't believe my boyfriend is napping with his son's teacher.
Homeschooling is going great. Two students were suspended for brawling and one teacher was fired for drinking on the job.
He went on a rant about how education in America is flawed and asked me, "who's in charge of the education system?"
"Your mother," I replied.
To "knock me out when September starts."
It sounded awesome until I remembered he was homeschooled.
I had a 69 with my son's teacher, but wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.
My sister always got picked on at school for being adopted. Homeschooling for us was a blast, though!
Homeschooling cancelled in Alabama because too many students are sleeping with their teachers.
I question the Education System
I got kicked out of homeschool, just for smooching with the teacher.
I just lost my innocence to the most attractive girl in school. I don’t understand why everyone is so excited about homeschooling.
If schools remain closed much longer, I'm worried we're going to start witnessing homeschool shootings soon.
I’m so busy with Covid and homeschooling that I forgot to drain the kids' mac & cheese.
Next time I'll set a Google Calendar reminder...
Seriously, who thought allowing me to homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?
Public school is crazy.
Worst part of virtual learning...
I walked in on my teachers getting it on.
Goddamn homeschooling!
Homeschool dilemmas.
So I gave her daughter a D.
But then I realized I was homeschooled.
The only thing I dislike more than my teachers flirting with me...
Is being homeschooled.
Due to a drastic rise in teachers having affairs with their students, homeschooling has been outlawed by the Governor of Alabama.
I just ran into my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't recognize me. I guess that's the downside of being homeschooled.
I just ran into my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't recognize me. It made me sad because I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.
Everyone knew it, it was so awkward. He was so bold, calling her into his office right in the middle of the school day. The other neat thing about being homeschooled...
Today I can proudly say that I've annoyed all of my classmates; I'm homeschooled. Sweet home Alabama.
Not a terrible consequence considering I'm homeschooled!
I think I have a crush on my teacher!
Friend: That's gross.
Me: I've heard it's pretty normal.
Friend: But you're homeschooled.
Did you know in Alabama, it's legal to nap with your teacher? Only if you're homeschooled though.
I used to be a real ladies' man in high school, dating every girl in my class. Until my mom stopped homeschooling.
All of my buddies are envious when they discover I dated my math instructor in high school. But truthfully, being homeschooled was terrible.
So one time, I had a crush on my female tutor...
But then I remembered I was homeschooled.
My friend just informed me that he has dated every girl in his class;
He is homeschooled.
In places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled.
My friend once told me that he hooked up with his teacher. He also mentioned that he's homeschooled.
What makes fantasizing about your teacher slightly uncomfortable?
You're homeschooled.
Two guys are sitting on the couch having a chat.
One of them says "hey dude, I dated your teacher in grade 5."
The other says "but, we were homeschooled!"
He says "I know.
I'm concerned about my friend. He was boasting about receiving a handjob from his teacher.
I said, "That's gross, you're homeschooled.
Professor: What defines fraud?
Student: If you don't allow me to pass the exam, you're committing fraud.
Professor: (astonished) Why is that?
Student: As per the law, individuals who exploit others' lack of knowledge to make them suffer losses are committing fraud.
If a doctor takes a Hippocratic oath after finishing med school, what does a lawyer take after graduating law school?
A hypocritical oath.
A buddy of mine graduated from law school but became a alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...he just couldn't pass the bar.
My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.
He said that his son showed the bartender his older brother's passport.
A law school student walks into a bar exam and walks out a lawyer! Good joke, I'm so proud of him.
Did you hear about the Richard that graduated from Law School?
He was appointed the first attorney genital.
A teacher at a law school made a wager with a student that the student would owe him money once he wins his first case.
The teacher then promptly sued him for not paying up.
A man waltzes into the bar,
But fails because he was too busy drinking through law school.
I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old, she enrolled in medical school; she's a cadaver.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:
P N E I S
to form the name of an essential human body part that is most useful when upright.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on social media.
I don't think my doctor went to medical school. He keeps insisting I have cancer, no matter how many times I tell him I'm a Sagittarius.
Godzilla finally decided it was time to attend medical school because he really knew how to handle himself in an emergency situation.
What do you call a doctor who was last in his class at medical school?
Doctor.
In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...
...for example, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".
A labrador grabs Mjölnir and enrolls in medical school;
Looks like he's a DogThor now!
Why couldn't Jesus get into medical school? He kept getting hung up on the tests.
What is the ironic part of medical school?
It's detrimental to your well-being.
I failed my medical school entrance exam because of anxiety issues.
The right response was blood vessels.
Why is the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA called a doctor? Because they just barely passed!
Grandma's dream finally came true and she went to medical school;
As a cadaver
What was Zeus' specialty in medical school?
Surge-lightning
My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.
He then landed a job at his local clinic, but was soon fired for sleeping with his patients!
He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class.
When I kick the bucket I'm going to donate my body to science.
My grandma, 86 years old, just started medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is embracing death to the fullest.
It’s never a smart idea to try any kind of cardiac surgery before attending medical school.
That would be putting the heart before the horse.
A Jewish mother walks past a planned parenthood and notices a protestor whose sign reads "life starts at conception." She approaches the man and quips, "While that may be accurate for Christian babies, a Jewish embryo isn't considered viable until it completes medical school!
What do you call a Black man with 4 years of medical school?
A doctor, you ignorant racist!
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school, and my buddy asked me, "What do you reckon it'll be like?" I replied, "Remains to be observed.
My Asian parents are surprisingly supportive of my career choice; they let me choose which medical school I'm going to attend.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it’s their responsibility to pick whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.
People used to call me hideous in middle school, but things have changed. I'm not in middle school anymore!
A middle school boy arrives home crying. His dad asks, "What's the matter, son?" The boy responds, "A kid at school called me gay!" The dad replies, "If he does it again, you have my permission to punch him in the face." The boy quickly adds, "But he's handsome!"
Middle school for me was like Charles Darwin.
Naturally, I wasn't picked by anybody.
I don't know, I just operate the drone.
Back in middle school, a kid in my class took my mood ring. I still don't know how I feel about it.
Back in Middle School...
I had a classmate named Sitting. Every time he got in trouble, our teacher would call him sitting pretty.
When he got sent out, one of his thoughtful and sympathetic friends would go downstairs to do the same thing just to show that he was understanding.
I remember giving a dry ice presentation in middle school.
It was cool as ice.
A woman is preparing lunch when the phone rings.
“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He's been caught telling unbelievable fibs.”
“I'll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don't have a son.”
I went to a junior high dance back in the day. It was kinda lame, looking back on it. The music was terrible, they ran out of snacks, and there wasn’t even a punchline.
My middle school chemistry professor once stated, "Alcohol is not a solution, it's a distillation" *smirks*
Middle school dance parties probaby look like a Fortnite lobby now.
Lots of ridiculous dancing and unnecessary building.
A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian woman, and a girl in a wheelchair walk into a bar.
They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math textbook.
When I was in middle school, my "buddies" used to coerce me to consume vegetables until I nearly vomited. They even began sending me pictures of veggies on the web, warning to force-feed me cabbage until I was ill. To this day, I still endure the consequences of their excessive and distressing fiber-bullying.
You know that thing in middle school we all used to do, where you took a mechanical pencil and pressed it into your arm to pretend it’s a needle... Well I tickled a dead moose.
What do Mexican children read in middle school?
Tequila Mockingbird.
Why did the spaghetti chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria?
They caught him pasta-napping.
I got A's in elementary school. I got C's in middle school. In high school, I got B's and boy did my grades improve.
Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?
I wanted to high five this student so hard.
I was taught to always pursue my dreams no matter what.
So now I just need to rescue my boss's wooden horse from the pool that's filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from training.
"Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?
My friend is attracted to children;
He had the audacity to look at me like I’m the strange one. That’s the final time I pick him up from middle school.
I felt a little behind in middle school; it was a major bummer when the teachers found out.
A group of e-cigarette using middle school students is called down to the principal's office.
I was nervous my first day in prison, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...
but I lost my job as a middle school teacher.
I was teased about my penis size almost every day in elementary school...
I think next year I'll teach middle school.
I just watched the movie 1917,
and it reminded me of the cafeteria line in middle school.
I don't see why we need to leave our planet in a better condition for future generations. The present generation can't even make it through middle school before kicking the bucket.
Your momma's so chubby...
She saw a yellow bus full of white kids and yelled "FOLLOW THAT TWINKIE!!!"
Man, I miss middle school.
I was hoping my sister could help me with trigonometry...
But then I remembered, "she's in middle school, of course she can't
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Californians don't change lightbulbs, they change hot tubs. (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school. It's one of my first dirty jokes)
When I was in middle school, I was abducted by a terrorist organization.
Al-gebra.
What do you call a dark dinosaur? TYRONE-ASAURUS REX! I came up with this joke back in middle school, I believe.
Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?
I wanted to high five this student so hard.
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
Where does a squire learn everything they know?
*Knight school.*
Yo mama is so dark, she gets marked absent at night school.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are outdated. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance.
I bumped into an old school buddy today... He said "life is fantastic! I live in a $2 million mansion!" I replied "that's cool, I live under a $5 million bridge!
I recently transformed an old school bus into a mobile brothel......I'm dubbing it the Suck-You-Bus.
I was reminiscing with an old school buddy the other day;
I said "do you remember when the sun used to rise in the morning and set in the evening?"
He said "ahhh, those were the good old days..."
Teacher said that I was only average in maths.
I thought, that’s cruel.
My old school was sponsored by IKEA...
Assembly took forever.
I ignited my old school books yesterday. Never before had they been so illuminating.
An old school acquaintance messaged me on Facebook saying I could become wealthy by selling Egyptian artifacts. Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme.
I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got to talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I proved him wrong though. I sneezed in his fries.
No, I shaved my photos.
I think I'll go retro with my New Year's resolution this year;
800 x 600 it is.
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper,
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old-fashioned, "tablets are the way to go nowadays" he says.
Damn fly never stood a chance
I was reminiscing at my old school library...
looking back at my shelf.
What's the distinction between an ISIS hideout and an Iraqi kindergarten?
I don't know, I just pilot the drone.
What's the difference between a doctor and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of Job.
Preschools and bars have the same rule.
You pee your pants, you go home.
Did you hear about the kindergarten kidnapping?
He woke up.
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows dinner is ready!
Why did the banana visit the doctor? Because he didn't peel correctly!
I was communicating through sign language with a one-armed man...
The issue was I was only receiving half of what he was expressing.
I came up with this joke yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was demonstrating what she learned at preschool.
True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies, "Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!" Been laughing at that one all day.
A Rabbi, a Lutheran Priest and a Catholic Priest are preparing for a party. The Rabbi goes into a liquor store and grabs Hennessy. Then the Lutheran Priest goes into the liquor store and grabs Makers Mark. Finally, the Catholic Priest goes into the pet store and grabs Johnnie Walker.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes silly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make silly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?
Why did the Italian chef want to become an accountant? So she could pasta-bility her financial goals!
What has four legs and one arm?
An aggressive dog in a kindergarten.
My buddy fell in love with a girl from his primary school so he gave her a big smooch. Now he can't work there anymore.
I met my girlfriend in elementary school.
I can't wait until she goes to college.
"I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."
"You call that smart?" says the other. "I let them carry me around until I was 4."
I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it.
A group of elementary school students were participating in a local spelling bee.
A eager young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."
Not entirely sure how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"
A judge responds, "A spider has eight eyes."
The boy then declares, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."
A primary school student told his teacher he found a deceased cat. The teacher asked him how did he know it was dead. The boy replied, "I peed in its ear." The teacher looked shocked and shouted, "You Did WHAT?" "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went pssst in its ear and it didn't move.
My local council just installed a giraffe crossing near the primary school. What a waste of money, I've never even seen a giraffe in this town!
What do I know, I'm just a drone operator.
And Sherlock Holmes points and says, "Elementary, my dear Watson." Watson, realizing how obvious this is, replies, "No kidding, Sherlock!
I can always tell by their eyes if someone is a primary school teacher; They have tiny pupils.
What did young John Cena say to his primary school teacher when she handed him his report card?
You can't see me!
I caught my older brother practicing Kung Fu when I was a kid; he told me he was doing some special moves. I'll never forget the day my primary school teacher asked our class who could perform Kung Fu.
A reporter at an interview asked Donald Trump the following question: "Can you tell us, Mr. President, why did you reduce primary school funding and why did you increase government prisons' funding by 200%?"
"Well I'm certainly not going back to primary school, am I?"
How many Gestapo agents does it require to change a lightbulb?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!!
Courtesy of my brain regurgitating random memories from primary school.
I just visit the local elementary school
So last week I had my driving test;
Halfway through the test, we passed a kindergarten and unfortunately someone walked out onto the road, it took me completely by surprise. I was really upset that I'd failed my test, until the examiner assured me that it was fine, it was only a minor.
Someone I know attended a incredibly expensive, exclusive private school.
These children are so wealthy, they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.
I played the Soviet Union anthem in my private school; now it's a public school
Credit to a YouTube commenter
What do you call the skunk who wears khakis and goes to private school?
Preppy le Pew
The Catholic church wants more individuals interested in priesthood.
They have received a lot of negative publicity recently, so they just launched a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 fortunate boys who can attend private school to become a priest for free.
Their slogan: "Discover the priest within you.
Where do Gynecologists receive their training?
...
...
...
Private University.
How many public school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Whatever it says on the lesson plan.
Fortunately, home school shootings are up 100%
I teach at a public school, and every day I have to keep track of who showed up and who didn't. That's just how I rock.
Because most kids from public schools in the US can't count any further!
Prayer has no spot in the public schools, just like truth has no place in organized religion.
Republicans are the real snowflakes. They're white, they're chilly, and if you gather enough of them, they'll close down public schools.
I played the Soviet Union anthem in my private school; now it's a public school! Credit goes to a YouTube comment.
The tiny spikes are on the outside of the pineapple!
I knew it was going to be a rough day after I dozed off on the school bus this morning. Especially since I was the one steering.
I recently transformed an old school bus into a mobile brothel......
I'm dubbing it the Suck-You-Bus.
What do you get when you combine a river with a school bus?
Soggy passengers.
What do a school bus and your wife's throat have in common?
They both carry children
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.
My 5-year-old made a joke: Why did Mommy ride the school bus to school?
Because she wanted to feel like a kid.
TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.
Unrelatedly, I’ve been sacked from my job as a bus driver.
Snoop Dogg is a massive fan of The Magic School Bus.
Brizzle.
What happened to the blonde who attempted to blow up a school bus? She singed her lips on the tailpipe.
Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't bad.
Unless it's a rearview mirror, and you're driving a school bus!
For some reason I always get a massive erection on the school bus. Does any other bus driver have this issue?
A school bus flipped over with 22 kids inside.
Thankfully, there were only minor boo-boos...
I was scared of dying alone,
so I became a school bus driver.
What do you call a school bus full of Caucasian people? A Twinkie.
Thank you r/jokes. I read this subreddit every morning at the start of my work day, chuckling like a lunatic till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.
I just wish the children on the school bus I'm driving would stop yelling in terror once in a while.
When I kick the bucket, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not like all the yelling passengers in his school bus.
What's yellow and arrives in the morning to brighten every parent's day?
The school bus.
I have a buddy who worked in Chicago his whole life telling me it's not that violent... He's a tail gunner on a kindergarten bus.
A middle schooler raises their hand and asks, "Can you tell me the nitric oxide formula?"
The professor responds, "Yes, it's NO.
A high schooler strolls into an SAT,
a college student walks into a final,
and a law student walks into a courtroom.
Why is it so difficult to comprehend middle schoolers in the locker room? Because of their overpowering axe-scented sprays!
What do teenagers and raccoons have in common? They both have dark circles under their eyes and eat trash.
Some high school students are on the playground. A new kid walks up. They say, "What's your name?" He says, "God." They exclaim, "No way!!!" He replies, "Yahweh."
Like dude, you're worrying about the wrong first period.
A high schooler told his geology teacher that..
"geology rocks!"
The teacher's response?
"That's Gneiss, but it's too bad you're so shale at it"
#\#rock-on
Clique Bait
I can't believe how these like-minded high schoolers are tricking new student targets!
I just purchased a hidden Stradivarius and an authentic Rembrandt! Unfortunately, upon closer inspection, I found out that Rembrandt crafted worthless violins and Stradivarius painted like a kindergartener.
Two schoolgirls are talking about who to vote for Class President.
"I'm voting for Mark. He's so dreamy!"
"I'm not voting for that big horndog. Every time he sees me he gets excited. He tries to act like it's not happening, but it's pretty obvious."
"So?"
"I'm not voting for an excitement denier.
My wife has the body of a 16-year-old schoolgirl... She stores it in the fridge.
Something ain't right with society when high school girls are dressing like hookers...
...and hookers are dressing like high school girls!!
But honestly, I feel awkward wearing the dress.
What's lengthy, dark, and makes schoolgirls scream?
AR-15
A Muslim schoolgirl is upset because she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.
Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to attend school.
How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese schoolgirl giggle?
Eleven tickles.
How many deceased schoolgirls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Obviously more than four because my basement is still dark.
Two schoolgirls are walking home from Sunday school one day...
One turns to the other and says, "Do you believe in the devil?"
The other one says, "Don't be foolish, of course not, the devil is like the Tooth Fairy; it's only your dad."
–Season one episode two of the BBC's Luther.
What gets four As and a C but still fails in school?
ALA-BAMA
Voting is like working on a group project in school; I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to mess this up.
My 7-year-old son came home from school today and asked me:
"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on two legs?"
"Hmm, I'm not sure," I replied.
"Mickey Mouse," he answered, laughing.
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on two legs?"
"Donald Duck," I responded.
"No, all ducks, you silly goose!
My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?" My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's lisp.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was correct....
Alcohol IS a solution.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are teasing me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them failing grades and they will stop."
An American tells a Russian that people in the USA have freedom of speech and that he could even go to the White House and shout, "Go to heck, Ronald Reagan!" The Russian responds, "Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to the Kremlin and shout, 'Go to heck, Ronald Reagan!
I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job.
I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Why can't Michael Jackson go near a school zone? Because he's deceased.
How do you know if an American dealt drugs in high school?
Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school on Easter.
The Sunday school teacher said, "Today is all about the resurrection, do you know what that is?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"I do! And if it lasts more than 4 hours, you're supposed to call a doctor!
What did the Indian child say to his parents when he left for school?
Mumbai!
I was terrible in school.
I failed math so many times I can't even calculate.
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his calf off at school?
Bison
A school principal greets a new student and asks his name.
The kid answers, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student replied, "No sir, my dad has a stutter. The dude who registered my name was a jerk.
I got called names like teeny weenie, micro-soft, and pickled pecker.
9 year old girls sure can make a teacher feel inadequate.
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question gets to go home.
One boy throws his backpack out the window.
Teacher: Who just tossed that?!
Boy: It was me! I'm heading home now.
When we got home, I told my wife, "apparently he said the F word." Well that wasn't smart, was it?" "No, it was fart.
Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!"
Is it okay for me to begin drinking once the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad educator?
I never understand school shooting jokes.
Maybe they're targeted at a younger audience.
I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...
Damn, I hate being a teacher.
I saw two children brawling on the elementary school playground and being the sole grown-up around, I had to intervene...
Little rascals didn't stand a chance...
TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...
On the bright side, I lost my job at the aquarium!
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
When I was a kid a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.
I couldn't understand a darn thing he said.
**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are "other countries"?
**A Chinese student:** What's "my own opinion"?
When I was young, I decided to enroll in medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:
P N E I S
to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.
Hey girl, are you a school?
Because I want to teach kids inside you.
What’s the contrast between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-Qaeda outpost?
I dunno dude, I just fly the drone.
What's the distinction between a Pakistani school and a terrorist training camp?
I have no idea, I'm just a drone pilot.
To this day, the kid who used to torment me at school still swipes my lunch money.
The good news is, he makes fantastic Subway sandwiches.
"If your name is Michael, please stand up"
Then a few guys stand up
And he says, "That completes the mic check"
Joke taken from Twitter by @cheyrubi
"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."
I asked little Johnny why he started excelling in math after we sent him to the Christian school.
He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they crucified on the plus sign.
The American school system is very disorganized and poorly managed.
I suppose school really does ready you for the real world.
I got kicked out of clown school;
Must've been something I said.
Where do adult film stars go to school ?
F.U.
We had a band in High School called 1023 Gigabytes.
We never made it to a concert.
A middle school boy comes home in tears. His dad asks, "What's the matter, son?" "A boy at school said I'm gay!" the son answered. The dad responds, "If he says it again, you have my permission to punch him in the face." The boy then added, "But he's adorable!
A kid comes home from school and tells his dad he learned a new joke at school.
Dad: Oh, really? Let's hear it.
Kid: What goes in hard but comes out soft?
Dad: I don't know, what?
Kid: Bubblegum!
Dad: Haha, good one!
Dad: Is it a pretzel?
The wife, who overheard from the other room, comes running in yelling, "SPAGHETTI IT'S SPAGHETTI!
Why aren't school shooting jokes hilarious?
They're too easy a victim, and aimed at a very youthful audience.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was the President.
A child comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad: "Daddy, daddy the teacher asked a question at school today and I was the only one who answered it!"
His father replies: "Congratulations, I am so proud of you! ... But what was the question?
Child: "Who broke the darn window....
I told my mom that a pal at school called her a MILF. All she could say was, "Which buddy?
My wife asked me to get our 4-year-old redhead son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him & took his lunch money.
A student in school hands in a blank sheet of paper for his art assignment.
The teacher questions, "What's this?"
The student responds, "A drawing of a cow munching on grass."
The teacher inquires, "And where's the grass?"
The student quips, "The cow devoured it all."
"Alright, then where's the cow?"
"It bounced because there was no more grass.
Why do M&Ms go to school?
Because they want to be a smartie!
This subreddit is like school in summer: No class.
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
School is like a pencil..
It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
With the average speed of an ejaculation being 28mph, it is too fast for a school zone.
I don't think that's why I got arrested outside the school though.
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."
I recently transformed an old school bus into a mobile brothel......
I'm calling it the Suck-You-Bus.
After 23 school shootings in 2018, we managed to do it. We finally banned straws.
Why are students banned from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really difficult to determine where the gunshots are coming from.
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and caused chaos at school.
Don't worry, no one got hit.
Why did Donald Trump rush into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?
Because he's confident one of his followers would never shoot him!
I applied for a job with my local school district.
I've never been to college. They said my high school education wasn't good enough. I told them that's their mistake not mine.
It's 90 minutes of goalless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.
What grades did Hitler receive in art school?
Not A's.
Why can't you tell school shooting jokes in the US? Because it's always too early.
A school library in Florida went up in flames yesterday. They lost both books. (This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)
Corona did what Trump guaranteed
A classmate paid me today, after I'd been assisting him with geometry for a year...
We're equal now
As a kid in the '70s, many of my schoolmates were shocked to learn I had a single mother. I didn't realize it was so widespread to have more than one.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids at school are teasing me because I'm still a virgin."
Mother: "Then give them all F's and see how quickly they stop.
My son got booted from school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I told him, "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?
Both are lowering the world's average IQ!
China has been the most significant country for American schools.
Because they created both paper and gunpowder.
Why is the National Rifle Association declaring bankruptcy?
Because schools are shut down.
Twenty years ago, me and my friends could run around the playground giving wedgies, and at most we'd have to write lines.
We tried it today and got arrested.
Because they've already paid enough homage to their students.
We do it in schools, because we have etiquette.
Alabama raised the drinking age to 34 because they wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The minimum drinking age in Arkansas has been raised to 32. Looks like they really want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause *truants* don't go to school!
(I just made this up)
Why do communists despise schools? Because schools have categories.
The American school system is very chaotic and badly run;
I suppose school truly does ready you for the real world.
What does a brothel and the American education system have in common?
The workers are underpaid, the building probably isn't up to code, and you're likely to leave thoroughly screwed.
It says something about a school system:
When adults take days to count some pieces of paper.
The American education system is a lot like an EA game...
It's mainly broken, and if you fork over more cash, you can unlock features that give you an edge over everyone else.
How does the American school system function? Do you receive grades and stuff or do you just pass if you make it to 18?
Why is the Canadian school system broken? Because they only give out "ehs"!
A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so exhausted," he moans to the bartender. "The entire American school system is terribly disorganized and badly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."
Two ladies purchase three slices of cake for two Euros each. The bakery clerk exclaims, "That comes to five Euros." One woman turns to the other and says, "You can say anything about the school system, but it sure is consumer-friendly.
Why are female schoolteachers always so angry?
They have recess every half hour!
A mother approaches him and asks:
"Are you waiting for a child?"
So he replies:
"No, I'm just chubby"
The nerd gets upset and says, "Ignore him! Hee-haw, hee-haw, hehaways says that."
...and Gorgias replies, "I know you are, but what am I?"
A priest and a rabbi are on a walk together when they pass a schoolyard with children playing in it.
The priest says, "Should we join them?" The rabbi says, "With what?
They don't know I'm only using rubber bullets.
A schoolyard bully asked all of his usual targets to get together and be waiting for him so he could get through all of his beatings quickly this time, but none of them showed up.
End of joke. There was no punchline.
Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.
My son and I conducted a science experiment for the end of the school year. We tried to weigh a rainbow. It turns out, it was quite light.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.
Cons of my high school years: my twin brother and I were homeschooled.
The report states:
History A
Math A+
Science A+
Literature A
Geography B+
The father grabs a gun and shoots him in the head.
The mother, shocked and in tears, asks: "Why did you shoot him?!"
And the Boss replies: "He knew too much.
