Why don't lawyers trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Why did the lawyer get arrested at the bank?
Because he tried to deposit a brief case!
Why did the judge go to the doctor?
Because he had a case of the flu!
Why do lawyers use big words?
Because they want to confuse the jury!
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the other side of the bill!
Why did the lawyer wear a wig to court?
Because he wanted to give his argument a little more weight!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to time his opening statement!
Why did the lawyer go to the gym?
Because he wanted to work on his briefs!
Why did the lawyer wear sunglasses to court?
Because he didn't want to see the judge's reaction!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to hang the jury!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to press his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head above water!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to show his true face!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to make a grand entrance!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his argument together!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from unraveling!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep track of his billable hours!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to look sharp in front of the judge!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to look like a legal eagle!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head in the game!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to get his hands dirty!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to show his true emotions!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to swoop in and save the day!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his argument from falling apart!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting cold!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case on track!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to tie up his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head from exploding!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints on his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to reveal his true identity!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to dress to impress the judge!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from sagging!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting lost!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from running out of time!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to make a dramatic entrance!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from falling down!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting tangled!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from going off track!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from looking sloppy!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting cloudy!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints on his argument!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to reveal his true intentions!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to look like a legal beagle!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting loose!
A lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates and asked St. Peter for admission.
St. Peter asked him, "Have you ever done any pro-bono work?"
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "Well, I did win a case for a widow once."
St. Peter replied, "Okay, that's great! What happened in the case?"
The lawyer answered, "She was evicted."
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"
A lawyer asked a witness on the stand, "Did you know that the human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap?"
The witness replied, "Yes, I did. But, do you know that a lawyer has enough lies in him to fill seven law books?"
An engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was older.
The engineer said, "Well, in the book of Genesis, it says that God created the earth out of chaos and void, so it must have been an engineer who did it."
The lawyer replied, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
A lawyer was giving some advice to his client, who was worried about perjury charges.
The lawyer said, "Remember, you don't have to lie in court.
All you have to do is tell the truth in such a way that no one can understand it."
What's the difference between a lawyer and an MBA?
A lawyer has a better chance of getting a job when he graduates.
Why don't lawyers go to the doctor when they feel ill?
Because they enjoy the feeling of being sick.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a pharmacist?
A pharmacist helps people get better, while a lawyer helps people get bitter.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
An accountant knows he's boring.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a consultant?
A consultant borrows your watch to tell you the time, then keeps the watch.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an IRS agent?
One will cheat you legally, and the other will cheat you illegally.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a software engineer?
A software engineer will fix your bug, while a lawyer will just tell you why it's not their problem.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a salesperson?
A salesperson will bend the truth to make a sale, while a lawyer will bend the truth to avoid one.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a banker?
A banker will lend you an umbrella when it's sunny and ask for it back when it rains, while a lawyer will charge you for the rain.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a politician?
A politician will lie to your face, while a lawyer will lie behind your back.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a real estate agent?
A real estate agent will sell you a house with a leaky roof, while a lawyer will sell you the leaky roof.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a used car salesman?
A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist?
A journalist will twist your words to sell newspapers, while a lawyer will twist your words to win a case.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an insurance salesman?
An insurance salesman will sell you a policy you don't need, while a lawyer will sue you for not having one.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a stockbroker?
A stockbroker will invest your money and make you rich, while a lawyer will invest your money and make themselves rich.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an architect?
An architect will design a beautiful building, while a lawyer will design a beautiful lawsuit.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a dentist?
A dentist will pull your teeth, while a lawyer will pull your leg.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a plumber?
A plumber will unclog your drain, while a lawyer will drain your bank account.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a priest?
A priest will hear your confession, while a lawyer will make you confess.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a psychologist?
A psychologist will help you deal with your problems, while a lawyer will help you create more problems.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a psychiatrist?
A psychiatrist will help you understand your problems, while a lawyer will help you understand their bill.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a teacher?
A teacher will help you learn, while a lawyer will help you earn.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a veterinarian?
A veterinarian will take care of your pets, while a lawyer will take care of your debts.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a waiter?
A waiter will bring you food, while a lawyer will bring you trouble.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an actor?
An actor will pretend to be someone else, while a lawyer will pretend to care about someone else.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a musician?
A musician will play your favorite song, while a lawyer will play your favorite loophole.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an artist?
An artist will create a masterpiece, while a lawyer will create a mess.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a chef?
A chef will cook your favorite meal, while a lawyer will cook your books.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mechanic?
A mechanic will fix your car, while a lawyer will fix your case.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gardener?
A gardener will prune your trees, while a lawyer will prune your wallet.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a barber?
A barber will cut your hair, while a lawyer will cut your assets.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a firefighter?
A firefighter will put out your fire, while a lawyer will put out your money.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a police officer?
A police officer will catch a criminal, while a lawyer will catch a client.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a soldier?
A soldier will defend your country, while a lawyer will defend your lawsuit.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an athlete?
An athlete will play by the rules, while a lawyer will play with the rules.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a writer?
A writer will create a story, while a lawyer will create a storyboard.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a scientist?
A scientist will search for the truth, while a lawyer will search for the loophole.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mathematician?
A mathematician will solve a problem, while a lawyer will solve a dispute.
