Why did the brain doctor go to an African animal college?
He wanted to study the hippo-campus.
The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal. She ponders for a second and then a voice in the background yells "Rhino!"
The host says "I know you do Shaggy, but it's not your turn..."
What kind of phone does an Animal Crossing character have?
A meowkia
You know why girls enjoy playing Animal Crossing? Because it's the only time they have pockets!
Man, managing a bunch of animals? I guess it really is a poop zoo.
Animal Crossing and Doom Eternal are coming out on the same day. Do I play a slightly more forgiving, welcoming and less violent simulation of real life?
Or do I play Doom Eternal instead?
Why are Nintendo gamers afraid of the fence?
Because it stops animal crossing.
What do you call a prejudiced dog from Animal Crossing?
KKK Slider
It was a chilly autumn morning in 2015, I was in a job interview.
When the interviewer asked me where I'd be in 5 years, I said I'd be gloomy, isolated, barricading myself at home and playing Animal Crossing.
I guess you can say I have 20-20 foresight.
What is Nina Tucker's father's preferred game?
Animal Crossing!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to play Animal Crossing.
I've been quite busy during quarantine; my steamy Animal Crossing fan fiction is going to rock some worlds!
Somebody stolen my first edition copies of 1984 and Animal Farm.
Oh whale.
Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?
Because they're all Veteran Aryans.
What's the silliest animal in the jungle?
The Polar bear.
If animal organs were compatible with humans...
Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to choose one.
What's a big grey animal that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant
All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants... so what do you call a group of Karens?
A complaint department.
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
He asks the bartender, "What the heck is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish guy shouts back, "Oh my goodness! How big are the cats?"
Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.
What's a vegan's preferred animal?
The high horse.
I was kidnapped by a mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear paws.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
All forms of gifts that show their thoughtful care and affection, but also a touch of cancer.
My city's sex workers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters. They're calling it pound-for-pound!
So I saw my wacky neighbor chatting with her cat. She was gazing at it like she believed it understood.
When I arrived home, I shared this tale with my dog and we both chuckled.
My child adores animal sound jokes, what's your finest?
His preferred is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!
Several of Hitler's Generals disappeared after the war, and became veterinarians.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
I dated a Hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.
I didn't understand, I was raised Catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.
What's the spookiest creature in Canada?
A Cari-BOO
Two Native American animal trackers sit on their horses.
One dismounts, lays his ear to the ground and after a moment he says, "Buffalo approach."
His friend asks, "How do you know?"
Then he stands up and touches the side of his face, "Gummed.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal!
“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
What’s the worst profession to nap with your patient?
Animal taxidermist
An opossum, the "O" is ninja silent.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
What's the only creature unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian Crocodiles.
Because they dwell in the Nile.
So, what is a three "L" lama?
A huge fire in Boston.
What animal is never hungry during Christmas? The turkey! It's always stuffed!
I don't criticize. Whatever lifts your llama.
What animal is despised by most board game players?
A cheetah.
What animal has the biggest boobs?
The Zebra
Why did the golfer get kicked out of the animal rights club? Because he hit a birdie.
Where does a creature that lost its tail go?
To the retail store.
My wife said all I do is tell silly animal jokes;
She’s welcome to seal others.
I saw a story about a YouTuber giving his followers animal carcasses.
He was clearly just trying to get a reaction because he’d done things like this before. It was a dead giveaway.
I got slobbered on by a farm critter and was convinced it was doomsday.
Teacher: What does the pig give?
Student: Bacon
Teacher: What does the chicken give?
Student: Eggs
Teacher: What does the cow give?
Student: Milk
Nike once conducted animal testing on their sneakers;
None of them fit correctly.
So Noah asked them, "Why aren't you reproducing?"
The snakes replied, "We can't, we're adders."
What is a trigonometry teacher's favorite animal?
A Hippopotanuse.
What is the worst animal to play cards with?
A cheetah.
Because it will tear your freaking face off.
I don't know, but his wife said he was a cheetah!
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull coming back from a playground.
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the dog.
A war hero becomes a veterinarian. Years later he retires.
He's not a triple threat, he's a triple Vet. (Credit to my 12-year-old child)
My favorite animal is the beaver because I want people to look at me and be like, "Damm..!!"
What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?
A guinea pig
PETA claims that their ads have significantly decreased animal abuse...
But seeing those naked models in billboards and magazines has only made me spank my monkey harder
My ex told me her spirit animal was the tiger...
but it turned out it was the cheetah.
How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?
An Donkey, a Kitty, two calves, ten piggies and who knows how many bunnies! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70s. Wondered if it was well known.
What is a robot's favorite animal?
A cowculator.
From my 7-year-old.
One rides a group of females, the other writes a bunch of emails
Purrsty.
Guy: We should really reconsider testing our products on animals.
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Guy: Yeah, but we manufacture hammers.
Why do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?
Kicked out of the zoo.
What kind of animal makes the best therapists?
Owls. They truly give a hoot.
A man visits a zoo, but the only creature in the whole zoo is a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
A man was strolling through the desert and stumbled upon a flock of vultures devouring a deceased animal.
The vultures paused their meal and gazed at him, clearly perturbed.
The man nonchalantly remarked "Corpse.
Mules are incredible creatures, but when it comes to getting the job done, they always half-ass it.
Girls say I'm a wild animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
What aquatic creature wears a red coat and a sequined glove on its flipper?
Thriller Whale!
-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.
-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy... big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time...
-Yes sir, but we make teddy bears.
If I could be an animal for one day, I think I'd choose a sloth.
That's why Canada is the best darn country in the world!
What's Donald Trump's power animal?
The wall-rus.
The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.
He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.
What animal was Osama bin Laden scared of?
SEALs
I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that don't test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going out of their way to hire and give animals jobs.
As an animal lover and activist, I actively place animals on my plate and I thoroughly enjoy consuming them.
I work with animals," the man says to his date. "That's so cute," she replies.
"I admire a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.
My neighbor received a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.
His selection? A skunk. His diagnosis? Psychopath.
The oldest animal is the zebra because they are black and white.
Which animal is the least reliable?
Cheetahs
Noah's pirate ship! Ahoy matey!
People who drug their farm animals should come down from their high horse.
They're dubbing it pound-for-pound!
Go to the women's shelter for a new partner and everyone loses their mind.
Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?
Because the shelter was non-profit.
Orphanages are sort of like animal shelters for children;
Though, I wish my parents would cease introducing me as their "rescued.
I'll never forget the day they all escaped from the animal shelter near the minefield; it was raining cats and dogs.
Animal shelters should hire the worst people.
Everyone is always trying to save cats and dogs from there.
What do the beach boys and animal shelters have in common?
They both make pet sounds!
My buddy used to work for an animal sanctuary, but he got canned.
He really bungled the puppy.
Who cares, I never truly enjoyed working at the animal shelter anyways.
I just had a mole removed from my wiener. The animal shelter said if it happens again they're going to press charges.
All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?
A riot
Some people believe filling animals with helium is wrong...
I don't critique. Whatever floats your goat.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 plush toy. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 plush toys. What does Sally have?
A garden and a stuffed animal!
So Noah asked them, "Why aren't you reproducing?"
The snakes replied, "We can't, we're subtractors."
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals.
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Yeah. But we make screwdrivers.
Mules are incredible creatures, but when it comes to doing any job, they always half-ass it.
An Donkey, a Kitty, two calves, ten piggies and who knows how many bunnies! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 1970s. I wondered if it was well known.
Teacher: "Kids, what do chickens give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what do pigs give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what do the chubby cows give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
I work with animals," the man says to his date. "That's so kind," she replies.
"I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a chef," he says.
People who drug their farm animals should stop horsing around.
As a farmer, my days can get a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...
I wouldn’t talk about anything with that herd of neigh-sayers.
Why are chickens considered dirty animals?
Because they eat with their peckers.
My wife and I were discussing people owning unusual animals...
and she said, "I've always wanted to have a manatee." I replied, "That's very sweet of you. I'll take mine with two sugars."
Why are retired Nazis so good with animals?
They're seasoned Aryans.
God asked Adam to name the creatures; Adam started creating names, "Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig..." Then God mentioned, "You need to name the ocean critters as well." Adam was already exhausted, so he replied, "Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig...
It’s surprising how many animals you can spot while gazing at clouds in the sky!
I mean, 99% of them are just sheep without legs or heads, but it’s still surprising, isn’t it?!
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
Retail store. I know I'm boring.
How do adorable animals like their meat?
r/aww
Why do ducks dislike attending social gatherings with other animals?
They always end up getting stuck with the check.
They can't count animals in Afghanistan anymore because there's a tally-ban!
My child fed the animals at the zoo. Zookeepers were furious... But the lions thought he tasted delicious.
I'm a mitochondriac.
Snakes are the speediest growing creatures, said a child to his father.
The father: How did you know?
The kid: My older brother exterminated a 40-inch-long snake, and every time he recounts the tale the snake's length grows by 20 inches.
He didn't like it so he put it down
I really adore animals. Unfortunately, I’m no longer permitted within 500 feet of a petting zoo... or a taxidermist.
Did you hear about a saint who trains animals? He taught his dog to heel.
I can construct and repair small engines using only vomit, feces, and rotten animals.
Because of my gross motor skills.
The vet exclaimed, "I work with animals!"
I replied, "Yeah, me too. My boss is a beast and my co-workers are donkeys!"
My wife and I were discussing obscure animals.
She said, "I want to get a manatee."
"That's very generous," I responded, "no milk, no sugar please honey!
I am appalled by individuals who poach exotic animals. They are much better grilled.
Goose: Wanna hear my migration idea?
Some people say the distinction between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.
They've never heard of Eric Burro.
Dung Beetles are some of the toughest creatures on earth.
It turns out they need their kidneys.
Patient: I get frightened every time I think of large animals.
Therapist: We have pills for that, but remember--
Patient: AAAHHHH!!
I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a nail factory.
Dad, name five animals that live in the North Pole.
Three polar bears and two penguins.
So I started hiring animals to do math for me. I already have a cat, he doesn't count though.
So I just watched the music video for "Radioactive," and if you think battling stuffed animals is strange... Imagine Lizards.
Dolphins are incredibly intelligent creatures. American scientists proved that after only a short time in captivity, they are able to teach humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.
A zookeeper walks into a fancy restaurant with a group of animals.
The waiter exclaims, "This is completely unacceptable!"
The zookeeper responds, "But why?"
The waiter takes a deep breath and says, "Well, first of all, we need to address the elephant in the room...
Birds are the only animals who can get anything accomplished!
They have friends in lofty positions.
Nature despises a vacuum.
Baby Seals are some of the best creatures to party with!
Until we made the regrettable decision to go clubbing...
Zebras and penguins are the oldest animals, because they're in black and white.
I met my girlfriend at the zoo and immediately fell in love with her and the way she cared for the animals. She's a winner!
There must have been a lot of ill animals in Vietnam. Just look at how many Vietnam veterinarians there are!
You get two animals that are in a baaaad moooood.
What kind of animals get put on envelopes?
Seals.
Why are hyenas the healthiest creatures on the planet? Because chuckling is the most effective cure.
Many people refer to their pets as "fur babies" but, As soon as I start calling children "skin dogs", suddenly I'm the worst pediatrician in this hospital!
He responds with "The polar bear and penguin are peculiar to Australia, but the kangaroo and dingo live there."
All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”
*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*
What was Hitler's favorite sea creature?
A dolphish.
The shark of approval.
Did you hear about the aquatic animal that loves hugs and kisses? A cuddlefish!
The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and declared, "All shall be defeated... except those in makeshift shelters held up by a pole, and fully aquatic creatures with shovel-shaped teeth!"
The zone was secure for everyone in tents and dolphins.
People who drug their farm animals should stop horsing around.
What does farm animal erotica sound like?
Brown chicken brown cow
What kind of math can farm animals do?
Cowculus
I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.
It was just the llama lips.
What advice does Fleetwood Mac have for raising farm animals?
You can harvest your own hay!
Teaching the farm animals to read was going well until the chickens read a book on democracy. Then they staged a Coup d'état.
Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals. This is due to their stable environment.
In 1939, an uncommon farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the summit of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since that time, the stakes have never been higher.
The guy shoves plastic farm animals up his buttocks.
The doctor says his condition is stable.
... it's that many of today's teenagers resemble farm animals.
The Thriller Whale!
What do you call a quick-moving marine creature in its natural environment?
A speedy fish in the ocean.
Opening a pet shop specialized only in birds and marine animals;
Calling it fish & tweets
So, what is a three "L" llama?
A big fire in Boston.
How many party animals does it take to fix a light bulb?
They can't, they just hit the lights!
The WWF reports that the party animal has already become extinct.
Did you hear about the doctor who hooked up with a zoo animal?
He was charged with a HIPPO violation.
A lady cooks bunny rabbit meat for dinner...
Kids: Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom: It's a surprise, kids, but I'll give you a hint... it's what your father lovingly calls me.
Kids: Ewwww... mom!!! Did you cook a witch for dinner?!
My four-year-old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: What do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears? A kangaroo. P.S. I love nonsensical kid jokes.
A lynx strolls into a bar and declares "Hey Bartender! Fix me up a...
...
...
Hare."
The barkeep replies, "Sure thing pal, but what's with the huge feet?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?
A priest, an imam and a bunny walk into a blood bank.
The bunny says: I think I might be a Type O.
A priest, a bunny and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the bunny, "What can I get you to drink?"
The bunny replies, "I have no clue, I'm only here because of autocorrect.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A retreating hare line.
Elton John bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. It's a pretty fit bunny.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse inquired of the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit replied, “I’m most likely a type O.”
What do you call a guy with 15 and a half hares up his bum?
Kyle. My name's Kyle.
A pastor, an imam, and a rabbit decide to donate blood.
The pastor comes out and says, "They tested it and told me I'm A positive."
The imam follows up with, "Interesting! I found out I'm AB negative."
The rabbit looks at the two of them and says, "Pretty sure I'm a type O.
Why did the bald dude get tattoos of rabbits on his noggin?
Because from a distance they look like hares
Why did the rabbit suspect his wife was being unfaithful? He kept finding different hares in his bed.
I came up with this one-liner at dinner the other evening. I can assure you it's not original, but I've never heard it before....True Story BTW
I was in Italy with my girlfriend visiting her parents and they had a rabbit for dinner. I gazed at her mother and exclaimed, "There's a hare on your plate!"
One is a well bunny, the other is a witty joke.
I fell down the rabbit hole,
and discovered a giant carrot.
Why was the bunny disappointed when she saw the gold?
Those weren't the carrots she expected!
How do you catch a special rabbit? Unique up on it...
What's the distinction between a plum and a rabbit?
They're both purple, except for the bunny.
The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receives 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.
The CIA burns down the entire forest and claims there's no rabbit.
The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams, "OK, I'm a rabbit!
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the forest.
The bear glances over at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "Nope, never been a problem. Just lucky that way, I suppose."
"Guess so," the bear said, as he picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.
A guy applies for a job with the LAPD
Inspector says, "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy asks, "Why the bunny?"
Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!
A bear and a rabbit
A bear and a rabbit are taking dumps in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no." So the bear picks him up and wipes his butt with him!
I don’t enjoy eating rabbit; I always get hare stuck in my teeth.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit are in a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God, they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.
A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he placed the rabbit right on top of his head and carefully lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a few moments of wearing the hat, the magician swiftly lifted the hat back up, and abracadabra! There wasn't a hare on his head.
And the rabbit says: Guys, I'm pretty sure I'm a mistake.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day. The server delivers the rabbit stew to my table and begins to walk away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew!
A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks them, "Gentlemen, do you know your blood types?" The priest replies, "Yes, I am AB+." The Imam replies, "I am B+." And finally the Rabbit replies, "I am not too sure, but I think that I'm a Type O.
What do you call the son of a German bunny farmer?
Herr hare heir.
What do you call a pair of bunnies with no legs?
Hopless Romantics.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and asks: “What’s your blood type?”
The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O.
A man walks into a restaurant and orders the rabbit stew. He takes one slurp, then suddenly spits it out. He exclaims, "waiter, there is a rabbit in my stew!
Eventually, curiosity got the best of me and I approached him and asked, "Excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"
He replied, "Oh I'm a hare stylist.
Not wanting to shame his kink, I asked "How did you get into that?"
"Well, I did some research online and ended up going down a rabbit hole"
Rabbits are not picky at all! They just want their rings to have several carrots.
On the highway, a driver saw a man holding a rabbit for sale.
He stopped, rolled down the window and asked: "How much is the donkey?"
The guy said: "It's a rabbit, not a donkey!"
The driver replied: "You be quiet, I'm talking to the rabbit not to you."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local blood bank. When they arrive they are asked what blood types they have. The priest thinks and says, “I believe I am type A positive.” The minister says, “I'm quite certain I'm type B negative.” The rabbit tugs on his ear and thoughtfully says, “I think I’m type O.”
Dex: Wife and I bang like rabbits every night.
Ter: You lucky bastard. Only get it once a month and I call it the karate night.
Dex: Why the heck do you call it that for?
Ter: Because it’s the night I enter the dragon.
Why was her name Jessica Rabbit?
Because of the FIRE HARE!
What do you call two bunnies in a fist fight?
Bunny knuckle boxing.
How is a bunny like an IPA?
They both taste hoppy.
If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole,
and a fox lives in a foxhole, does that mean a donkey lives in an asshole?
I saw a vegan with a lucky rabbit's foot the other day.
I’m pretty sure that’s a faux paw.
I just saw this bloke going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.
I thought: “He’s really pushing his luck!”
What do you call a cuddly bunny?
Hugs Bunny
What type of jewelry do rabbits wear?
14 carat gold.
Did you hear about the bunny with the one floppy ear?
He had ear-rectile dysfunction.
...now I have a hare-less meowster!
But seriously, RIP Carrots.
Why didn't the bunny catcher want to be on TV? Because he was having a bad hare day.
Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.
We found the Himalayan on the road.
"*Hare* Krishna!"
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because he had the drumsticks!
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a sprint for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?
Why did the bald dude get tattoos of rabbits on his head?
Because from far away they look like hares.
How do rabbits keep their fur so clean? They have hair supplies.
What do you call a pair of rabbits with no legs?
Hopless Romantics.
Oh, they're not picky at all! They just want their carrots to have several carats.
Ter: You lucky bastard. Only get it once a month and I call it the Chuck Norris night.
Dex: Why the heck do you call it that for?
Ter: Because it’s the night I kick into gear!
What do you call two bunnies in a fist fight?
Hare knuckle boxing.
I saw a vegan with a lucky rabbit's foot the other day.
I’m pretty certain that’s a faux paw.
What do rabbits say before devouring your garden?
"Lettuce prey.
What kind of bling do rabbits rock?
14 karat gold
The most terrifying experience of my life was attempting to breed rabbits.
It was a hare-raising experience.
A vulture boards an airplane carrying two deceased rabbits.
And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.
There's a dude in my neighborhood who I used to think was really strange. I'd always see him out walking his bunny. The bunny was always in a different outfit. One day a gown. One day a kilt. One day a tuxedo-pants combo. Then it multiplied into a herd of bunnies, all wearing really obscure clothes.
Eventually, curiosity got the best of me and I approached him and asked, "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper bunnies. Can I ask what you do?"
He replied, "Oh I'm a hare stylist."
How do dyslexic bunnies pass the time?
They duck like bunnies.
What is it called when bunnies argue over food?
Carroted
His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.
"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."
What kind of math are bunnies really good at?
Multiplication.
How do you catch an unusual rabbit?
Unusual up on it.
How do you catch a friendly rabbit?
Friend-ly, unusual up on it.
How do you catch a typical rabbit?
Typ-ical, friend-ly, unusual up on it.
Why should you bring bunnies when making beer? They'll provide you the hops.
The Bengal Tiger is capable of jumping higher than an average two-story colonial house. This is because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average two-story colonial house can't jump very high.
If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and partner, who will you save?
The Bengal tiger, of course! They're becoming extinct in the world.
Why did the tiger use the copy machine?
Because he was a copycat!
You're riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you. What do you do?
You get off the carousel.
What did the Roman say when his wife was devoured by a tiger?
Gladiator!
What winks and makes love like a tiger?
*winks*
Chuck Norris was petting a tiger. Suddenly the tiger began to emit a soft growl. The trainer said, "stand up slowly and back away." So, the tiger did.
I watched a video of Chuck Norris telling this himself.
My ex told me her spirit animal was the tiger, but it turned out it was the cheetah.
I have the gaze of a tiger, the courage of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
"You DONKEY, that was PATHETIC!" screams Gordon. "IT'S. ROARING."
What should you do if you encounter a Tiger in the jungle?
Clean it off and apologize
Billie Eilish is finally 18, do you know what that means? She's old enough to order 12 captivating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she dials 1-800-441-2400. When she dials, they'll throw in the bonus Elephants edition, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her purchase.
How do Tigers, Elephants, and Lions fly?
On the African plain, a zebra asked a lion: "How do tigers, elephants, and lions fly?"
The lion replied: "Simple, my friend. We have a friend named Google!
Santa stops after three "hoes
What’s the distinction between Tiger Woods's golf ball and his SUV? He can hit his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.
The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant surprise!
Bought the book: Tiger Woods' worst 18 holes.
I was incredibly disappointed when I found out it was about golf.
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger would.
What is Tiger Woods' spirit animal?
I don't know, but his wife said he was a Cheetah.
What do possums and the Detroit Tigers have in common?
Both play dead at home and get slaughtered on the road.
What's the contrast between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger? One can survive the winter.
What destroyed Tiger Woods' golf career? His parking skills.
A man strolls into a bar and requests the bill. The bartender looks puzzled and informs the man that he didn't order anything. The man replies, "I know, but I run the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
Where do tigers go for ice cream?
Carol Baskin Robbins
What led to the tiger's downfall in golf:
He used his driver on too many holes.
Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly hangs out with.
That’s quite reckless. He shouldn't be fooling around with wild creatures like that. I know he believes he's friendly and won't bite, but Mike Tyson has displayed signs of aggression in the past.
Did you hear the rumor about the guy who took out Tony the Tiger? He's a cereal murderer.
Why did the tiger devour the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced meal.
The worst part about Tiger Woods' driving is that it's likely going to add to his handicap.
The King of the Jungle claimed he was a tiger, but he's actually a lion.
Screwed, he is screwed.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be seen.
How do two tiger sharks reproduce? I don’t know. They’re mating underwater.
Why did the tiger quit golf?
He lost the power to drive.
What do Siegfried and the tiger have in common?
They both know what Roy tastes like.
Finally, after two weeks of fruitless tracking through the jungle, one of our local guides received word that tigers had been seen just outside a neighboring village. Personally, I had been hoping for stripy ones but beggars can't be choosers.
Out of all the aspects of the Tiger's game, nobody ever faulted his driving.
Tiger Woods wanted to participate in The Masters....
But everyone knew he'd have difficulty getting past the "turn."
Having trouble with his golf game,
Too soon?
"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your game."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"Your balls are 3 inches from the pin.
Tiger Woods should definitely start listening to his caddy on his drives!
Yesterday I saw a lion on my way back home. I was terrified, so I suddenly started praying. Then I looked back at the lion and saw that he was also praying. I asked him, "Why are you praying?" He replied, "I always pray before I eat."
Fear, because it's a *freakin* tiger!
And Surprise, because there are no tigers in Africa.
Can a tiger find the baby human?
Shere Khan
Did you hear about the mishap at the lion enclosure? It was a huge paw-cident!
In a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?
Stop fooling around.
Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding distasteful comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.
"I won't golf for this"
What's the distinction between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver?
Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but savors smashing up his car on his days off.
The Ohio and Michigan School of Lions, Tigers, and Bears.
Go OH, MI!
Why did the tiger king take up valet parking?
It made his car look fierce.
Why did the Tiger cross the street?
To whip some Sooner butt.
His wife said, "Honey, I'm laaaaaaaaaate!"
It must be strange being Tiger Woods!
Getting to hear, "Morning, Woods!" all the time!
Why does a tiger make such a great girlfriend? Because it's not a cheetah.
If Tiger Woods and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?
Tiger Woods! Because he has a better driver!
I'll be in heaven if you need me.
Tiger Woods got in an accident for the same reason he lost his last tournament: because of his awful driving!
Why couldn't the tiger fall asleep?
Because it had nothing to lion around.
A man enters the zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...
He succeeds in becoming the snack instead!
It was a terrible day at the zoo. A crouching tiger was hidden in the bushes, and I couldn't find my son anywhere.
Tiger Woods has really stepped up his game; he used to only flip his golf club.
A lion wouldn't cheat on his partner, but a Tiger Woods.
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get eaten.
Haha, classic!
What did Tiger Woods receive for Christmas?
Half of everything.
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a calm tiger?
Calm way.
The authorities determined that this was the work of a Cereal Killer.
When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".
Because he got rid of all his hoses.
FOUR!!!
I'm on my way to Hell.
Why did the Tiger flee from the lion?
The lion took over the golf course.
All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?
Because one of his opponents kept on lying. Another had a permanent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.
Get your intoxicated butt off of the merry-go-round.
Two tigers are strolling down the street.
One says to the other:
"It's quiet for a Saturday, isn't it?
Don't worry, it's in a neigh-borhood condition.
Sex with me is as frustrating as playing a round of golf with Tiger Woods. No one wants to play with someone who sinks it in the hole on the first stroke every time!
How do two tiger sharks reproduce?
I don’t know. They’re mating underwater.
God asked Adam to name the animals;
Adam began to come up with names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”
Then God said, “You must name the sea creatures, too”
Adam was already tired, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”
I despise monkey bars; they only serve banana daiquiris.
Did you know before they had monkey bars, monkeys would just drink at home?
Why did the chicken cross the monkey bars? To get to the other side!
Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are sliding down slides 50 feet away.
Why are those baboons always drinking in the park?
Because it's the only spot with monkey bars!
Q: Why did Lucy fall off the monkey bars?
A: She has no arms
Me: Knock Knock
Them: Who's there?
Me: Not Lucy.
Today I learned that humans consume more bananas than monkeys. I can't recall the last time I ate a monkey.
There are two monkeys in a bathtub.
One says, "ooh ooh ah ah!"
The other says, "put some cold water in then!
Simulation of a monkey pressing a button:
Simulation accomplished!
What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?
They both mess up trees.
I'm vaccinated against chicken pox AND monkey pox.
I'm 2Pox Secure.
What do you call a bombastic monkey?
A baboom
What type of monkey only stands seven inches tall?
Macaque.
The monkey won the reading contest because he had the finest tail!
(My 7-year-old daughter thought of this joke during breakfast all by herself, her first complete joke! Didn't find it in a Google search, so I thought I'd share it here for laughs. We're now brainstorming ways to enhance it... maybe it could be a writing contest or storytelling contest?)
People in the U.S. consume more bananas than monkeys. In 2016, they devoured 73,432,384 bananas, and only feasted on 6 monkeys.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A Bananaboom!
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Ten little monkeys leaping on the bed, one leaped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:
We don't accept your insurance.
A recent study has discovered that humans consume more bananas than monkeys.
Which makes sense. I don't believe I've ever eaten a monkey.
What do you call an adventurous monkey in a blender?
Rhesus chunks.
Two monkeys are in a bath. One monkey says: Ooh-ahh-ee-ahh-ooh.
The second monkey says: Should I add some hot water?
Did you know people consume more bananas than monkeys?
Monkeys are harder to catch even though they both grow in trees!
That title was stolen, but the joke is original.
Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.
Get your monkey for nothin' and your orangutans for free.
I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your baby for you.
Monkey 1: Ooh ooh ooh aah aah aah
Monkey 2: Relax, it's not that hot
Monkeys are superior at recounting tales because they have tails.
Where do apes go to work out?
The jungle gym.
What type of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.
An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of keyboards happen to type the perfect joke;
The joke is recycled.
One monkey says to another monkey, "what rhymes with banana" and the other monkey says, "No, it doesn't.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different branches at different levels. The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but jerks.
A monkey escaped from the petting zoo and rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.
What do you call a chimpanzee who swings both ways?
Bi-curious George
Why did the monkey tumble out of the tree?
Because it was deceased.
A man strolls into a bar and requests the bill. The bartender looks puzzled and informs the man he didn't order anything. The man says, "I know, but I own the circus down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
What did the philosophical monkey exclaim?
Oooh, oooh, ah, Aahhh!
At the zoo, a kid says to his mother, "Mom, look, look, that monkey looks just like my brother."
His mother glanced at him and said calmly, "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you."
The kid replied, "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language.
I must get that new Monkey Pox virus!
I think I'm going ape.
What do you call a monkey that breaks the law?
A Crim-ape
What do you call a person who looks after baby monkeys?
A bananny.
I'm vaccinated against chicken pox AND monkey pox.
I'm 2Pox Secure.
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t recall the last time I ate a monkey.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime apes.
Because they are filled with anti bodies.
What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?
They both mess up trees.
In 2016, Americans consumed 73,432,384 bananas,
but only devoured 6 monkeys.
There are two monkeys in a bathtub.
One goes "ooh ooh ah ah!"
The other says "put some ice in there!"
Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:
We don't take your insurance.
A recent study has found out that humans consume more bananas than monkeys.
Which makes sense. I don’t recall ever eating a monkey.
Two monkeys are in a bath;
The first monkey says: Ooh-ah-ee-ah-oo.
The second monkey says: Should I add some cold water?
Did you know people eat more bananas than monkeys?
Monkeys are harder to catch even though they both grow on trees!
This joke came from my twisted mind.
Monkeys are superior at recounting stories because they have Tales.
Two monkeys hopped into a bathtub.
Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Relax, it isn't that hot
An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters happen to type the perfect joke;
The joke is retweeted.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different branches at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but jerks.
Where do monkeys go to exercise?
The jungle gym.
What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys?
A banoodle.
I just read about a zoo in Florida, where 3 monkeys were arrested for lighting their feces on fire, and flinging them at zoo workers.
A couple of the workers were sent to the hospital for turd degree burns.
And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"
What do you call a nation run by monkeys?
Banana republic.
Three monkeys walk into a bar...
and the fourth one dodges!
Did you know that humans consume way more bananas each year than the amount eaten by monkeys? This is because, unlike monkeys, bananas are cultivated on farms.
Did you know the creator of Reese's Pieces has a master's in biology specializing in monkeys?
He did a Rhesus thesis.
It is said that a million monkeys on a million keyboards could create the complete works of Shakespeare but alas, thanks to the internet, we now know that is not accurate.
Two monkeys are in a bathtub;
One monkey shouts "uh uh uh uh AH AH AH AH AHHHHHH!!!"
then the other one says "well, add some cold water if it's too hot
Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?
Burger Kong.
The politically correct term is "orangutan".
What's a monkey's favorite dessert?
Lemon Orangutan Pie.
I apologize.
What do you call a group of monkeys all mixed up?
A Orangutangle!
Do you have monkey wrench eyes? Because every time you look at me, my bolts get a little tighter
How do you repair a damaged gorilla? A monkey wrench.
Did you hear about the man who created giraffe and elephant jelly? He named it Wildlife Preserve.
I was going to tell a giraffe joke, but it's too tall.
You're being chased by a lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?
You stop riding and get off the carousel.
Why didn't the audience chuckle at the giraffe's joke? It went above their heads.
Get your intoxicated booty off the merry-go-round.
The worst thing about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to reflect on your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand. From The Joke Cafe.
A giraffe struts into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You want a tall one?"
The giraffe replies, "You mean I have options?
A giraffe walks into a bar:
Giraffes are not good at playing limbo!
What do you call a giraffe with a plane stuck in its throat?
A plain in the neck.
What do you get when you cross an alligator with a giraffe?
A visit from the ethics committee and instant withdrawal of your funding.
What do you call a giraffe's birthday?
A party date.
What's Worse Than A Giraffe With a Sore Throat?
A centipede with sore feet.
A giraffe can grow up to 18 meters;
But they usually only have 4.
I used to date a giraffe. I would take him to the movies and other places. You’d always get some person complaining that they couldn’t see the screen.
It’s a giraffe, buddy. What do you expect?
“Well he can take his hat off for a start.”
I once went on safari and witnessed a giraffe mating with an antelope.
Looking back, I definitely should have used Google Chrome.
Why is it inexpensive to feed a giraffe?
A small amount goes a long way.
What magical school does a Giraffe practice?
Neckromancy
Have you heard the one about the giraffe who learned karate?
He looked like a complete moron.
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe;
They sit at the bar and begin to take shots.
The giraffe gets blackout drunk and passes out on the floor.
The guy stands up and heads towards the exit.
The bartender exclaims, "hey! You can't leave that lying there!"
The guy replies, "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe.
An Elephant, a Giraffe, and a Penguin walk into a bar. It's at this moment I realize there is something incorrect with my beer.
Did you know Ronnie Pickering created the giraffe?
He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it.
Why did the giraffe get a ticket while driving?
Because it was a hazard on wheels!
There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom.
The giraffe says, "Pass the soap, please."
And the elephant says, "No soap, shampoo!
After a wild night of drinking, a guy wakes up and is shocked to see a purple giraffe standing next to his bed.
— What are you staring at? – asks the giraffe – There were so many of you, darn drunks, that we ran out of pink elephants!
A guy strolls into a bar with a giraffe. They both sip a beer and head to exit the place, but the giraffe crumbles on the floor. The guy continues on his way out and the bartender yells, "hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The guy retorts, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!
What's the distinction between an optometrist and a giraffe?
If you can't differentiate, you only need to visit one!
A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.
He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have plenty of great choices on tap."
Lion: "Come on man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?
A giraffe strolls into an airport, and a TSA agent approaches him and inquires:
"Hey, is this your laptop?"
The giraffe replies:
"I figured you'd never ask
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a giraffe? A really tall pecker.
What is the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
One has hydraulics, the other has tall bollocks
Did you hear about the man who created giraffe and elephant jelly?
He named it Wildlife Preserve.
A fun fact to share at your next zoo visit: Giraffe penises are 40 inches long! Which definitely explains their long necks!
The giraffe didn't say anything to the conspiracy theorist.
Teaching a giraffe how to perform fellatio is just not going to be a long shot.
Did you hear about the competition between the giraffe and the ostrich? It was neck and neck the entire route.
Why does a giraffe have a long neck?
So it can scratch its head.
The bartender looks up. "What is this, a circus?
A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis.
Shame on you for expecting a punchline.
This giraffe needs an intervention.
Once you've observed one lion devour a giraffe... You've witnessed a maul!
Did you hear the joke about the giraffe's neck? It's a tall one.
A penguin and a giraffe were duking it out for a promotion. The giraffe ended up getting the promotion because everyone looked up to him!
A zebra and a giraffe had a baby and named him Al. Al is really good at math. What species is he? He's an Al-ge-bra.
Why did the giraffe dump her boyfriend?
He was a cheetah!
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this a setup for a punchline?
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...
They both get wasted drunk and pass out.
The man wakes up, settles his bill, starts to leave and the bartender points and says:
"Hey! You can't leave that lying there!"
The man turns and says:
"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.
What do you call a mural of a giraffe on the road?
Giraffiti
Why is a giraffe’s neck so incredibly long?
To link its head and body together.
An introverted elephant and an emo giraffe walk into a bar...
They couldn't squeeze in.
It takes a long time for a giraffe to digest its ego.
What do you get when you combine a cheese grater with a giraffe?
A ban from the zoo.
... and then the giraffe boasts, "Bet you are really jealous of my long neck. When I'm eating, yummy food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"
The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,
"Have you ever thrown up?"
A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says:
"...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this off."
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe?
Just kidding, it would most likely be above your head.
Why don't many restaurants serve giraffe?
It's a lofty request.
What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?
A redneck.
"Leaf me alone!
I'm branching out!
What do you call a giraffe who eats another giraffe?
Giraffrey Delmer
After playing on the jungle gym for a few hours, a exhausted child stumbles into a bar. He definitely should have watched where he was going.
Where do apes go to work out?
The jungle gym.
She thought the Jungle Gym was Tarzan's cousin!
Original. You're welcome.
What's the silliest animal in the jungle?
The Polar bear.
A mother told her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. He returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat deep into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How did you manage to find your way back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
What should you do if you encounter a Tiger in the jungle?
Brush it off and apologize
These pride of lions are strolling down a path in the jungle when one lion licks the butt of the lion in front of him. The lion in front says, "Hey, what's the deal with licking my behind?" The second lion says, "I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth.
What's the most terrifying plant in the jungle?
It's bamBOO!
Why can't you operate a computer in the jungle?
There are too many bugs.
Why are divorce rates so high in the jungle? Because there are too many cheating cheetahs!
For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries!
(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)
What's the contrast between Sonny Bono and George of the Jungle? George heard "beware of that tree" more than once.
Why does the lion say, "I'm the ruler of the jungle"? Because he has mane character syndrome.
A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle. Rescue efforts are being hindered.
How do elephants disguise themselves in the jungle? They paint their toenails pink and hide up cherry trees. What's the noisiest sound in the jungle? Giraffes munching on the berries.
The song "Jungle Love" is stuck in my brain.
It's sending me insane.
It's driving me bonkers.
I was strolling in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I turned to the local tribesman and said, "That lizard is really amusing."
The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard...
He's a stand-up chameleon...
How do you know if a jungle cat is telling the truth?
Well, if it's a tiger, you can tell right away.
What is yellow, swings through the jungle, and smells like almonds?
Tarzipan
After two weeks of fruitless tracking through the jungle, one of our local guides finally received word that tigers had been sighted just outside a neighboring village. Personally, I had been hoping for striped ones, but beggars can't be choosers.
In the jungles of Brazil I met young, beautiful indigenous women named 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11.
They were in their Amazon prime.
Why shouldn't you bet in the jungle?
There's too many CHEETAHS!
(Source: My Dad)
His wife, laughing, said, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots ate 'em all.
What do you do when you encounter an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!
(Works better when spoken)
In the jungles of Brazil I met young, beautiful indigenous women named 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11. They were all in their Amazon Prime.
Deep in the jungles of Vietnam... you don't know what's friend and what's pho
Walking through the jungles of Africa, a man stumbles upon a pygmy standing next to a ferocious dead lion.
So the man approaches the pygmy and asks him, "Did you slay that lion?"
"Yes," says the pygmy, "I took it down with my club."
Impressed by the tiny warrior, the man exclaims, "Wow! How large is your club?"
The pygmy looks up at the man and says, "There are about ninety of us."
The "w" in Africa stands for wine;
There is none.
A Russian visits Africa and is chilling with the locals. He inquires if they've ever tried Russian roulette.
"We have our own twist. There are six ladies. You choose one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the risk in that?"
"One of them is a cannibal.
How do you start a party in Africa?
Tie food to the ceiling
Why was the baby in Africa crying?
It was going through a mid-life crisis.
Why do they name sneakers with wheels in Africa?
SwaHeeleys.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52-inch waist.
Dark humor is like chocolate in Africa;
Not everyone gets it.
What do you call a car with no gas in Africa?
Outtagascar
I was puzzled why there were so many tales about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then it hit me that vampires are destroyed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.
Why doesn't Africa ever win the Olympics?
Because it's a continent, idiot.
Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're fortunate if they get a solitary serving.
Why doesn't Ebola medicine work in Africa?
Because it can't be taken on an empty stomach!
In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were super effective against dark types.
But then I thought about mosquitos in Africa and it all made sense.
A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form English sentences.
“Attention class! I have two words: Cheetah and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”
One student raises their hand and says,
“The cheetah is faster than the dandelion.”
Toto recollect
Most people believe that in Africa:
We ride lions and elephants to work.
That's absurd.
We don't have jobs.
I recently flew to Africa for some charity work.
It was a eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starving, the fighting.... the stench, the racket....
I am never flying coach again.
I heard about this tiny village in Africa where everyone is suffering from thirst... So I sent them a "Stay Hydrated" card.
Can you believe it?
And we have two kids together, this divorce is gonna be so hard on them
You’d think he was from angry-at-petrol-vehicle.
What is the most challenging animal to track in Africa?
The Polar bear.
Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I'm fed up with hearing people crack jokes about the starving children in Africa;
I believe they have plenty on their plates.
I want to hear 99 individuals sing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never achieve.
Bono started clapping slowly between songs at a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation," he told the audience. Some dude at the front yelled, "Well then stop dang doing it!
I know a person who gets their vodka imported from Central Africa. Absolut Chad!
They traveled around in a madaguestcar.
I said "I've never Benin there, but I want Togo there sometime. However, I don't know if I'm Ghana be able to do that, since it's quite expensive."
I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stow your tray table and carnivore.
br> Stop sending toys to children in Africa. It's got to be depressing, getting a Rubik's Cube that will outlive you.
You're in Africa, a Lion and a Leopard are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?
Shoot the Lion, hop in the Leopard and drive away.
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
Y'know, I could have sworn South Africa had pineapple pizza.
Is this the Mandela Effect?
When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".
This joke is easier to understand with some small changes to the text:
Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...
Somalia got the boat.
Building electric vehicles is illegal in Africa,
So I'm fleeing to Madagascar.
What happens if there's an earthquake in the Horn of Africa?
Shake Djibouti!
Every time I see a White Rhino, I always say "Go back to Africa!
Did I mention my buddy in Africa named Dwayne?
It's been a minute since I've seen him.
I sure do miss Dwayne... deep in Africa.
If Donald Trump wins I'm heading back to Africa. For some political stability...
If only Africa had more mosquito nets
then every year we could save millions
of mosquitoes from dying needlessly from AIDS
- Jimmy Carr
What does Africa hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't handle either.
What's the one issue that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?
Living on continents.
I thought I would go and help out in Africa, but it turns out they have enough assistance.
Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I suppose the rain's down in Africa."
I went on vacation to Africa to get some local music and almonds.
My friend asked me, "Which country did you visit and what did you bring back?"
He got upset when I replied, "Uganda, CDs, nuts.
If you stack up all the elephants in Africa vertically, the elephants still wouldn't like it.
I have a child in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.
The costly part was flying him there.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in many countries, son.
Walking through the jungles of Africa, a man comes across a pygmy standing next to a ferocious dead lion.
So the man approaches the pygmy and asks him, "Did you slay that lion?"
"Yes," says the pygmy, "I slayed it with my club."
Impressed by the tiny fellow, the man exclaims, "Wow! How large is your club?"
The pygmy looks up at the man and says, "There are about ninety of us.
I have a child in Africa that I feed,
That I dress,
That I educate,
That I vaccinate,
All for $5 a day.
Which is a lot less than it cost to transport him there.
Fear, because it's a *freaking* tiger!
And Surprise, because there are no tigers in Africa.
I always feel bad for the children in Africa when I waste water.
And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the penguins.
How south is South Africa?
South AFrica is sooooo south that penguins go for ice cream!
They're not falling for that again!
People keep telling me there are plenty of rivers in Africa. They're mistaken, there's just one.
Denial.
I was on a safari in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.
To which I responded, "Safaris are pretty good.
A group of charity workers are sent to Africa to see how their program is working. They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with a man's head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Gucci sleeping bags
If you think Greenland is the size of Africa, you have some *serious* projection issues.
I heard Africa has a bump...
Good news, it's Benin!
I told my wife: I wanna end up staying in Djibouti the longest, she said it's not my favorite but I'll get the lube.
Santa left the reins down in Africa.
I'm opening a new tanning salon in Africa.
I'm going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in here)
A woman with a clipboard stopped me on the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help construct a school in Africa.
I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much accomplished.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a moment passes away.
Please assist in preventing this.
What did the British mathematician say when he arrived in Africa?
"That's a secant!
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, killing the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
Archeologists in South Africa have just discovered what they believe is the oldest tampon ever found. They are trying to determine from which period it came.
Why should you never play poker in Africa? Because there are so many cheetahs! ^(Sorry, I know this is super cheesy)
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the stereo and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
Which African nation is Elon Musk from?
Madagascar
What African nation is the most environmentally friendly?
A Hint: The one that's always Mad At Gas Cars
You think you can donate to an African country?
Well... Namibia?
Can you tell me the name of an African nation? I don't know... Can ya? Yeah, that's one.
But I'm Kenya be
If an African country develops a nuke,
will it be called the N-Bomb?
What's the contrast between an Indian and an African elephant?
One is an elephant.
Once you've listened to Juan, you've heard Jamal...
"I just flew in yesterday," the African man says. "And boy are my arms tired!"
"You know, that's kind of an ancient joke here in America," replied his friend.
"Joke?" The African man said. "I've been holding my hands in the air yelling "don't shoot" ever since I got to this darn country."
What's the distinction between an Indian and an African elephant?
One's a pachyderm.
I met a girl from North Africa the other night, we chatted for hours.
We just clicked.
Why did the African 3-year-old cry?
Because he was going through a mid-life crisis!
My grandfather was an African pharmacist...
He used to work in the 1970s in Johannesburg as a drug dealer.
An African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had any beef.
The butcher replied, "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because tangerine is the new black.
For years I was considering adopting this little African girl. Until I saw this advertisement on TV, and I learned that for the price of adopting her, I could buy a cup of coffee. Every day.
I just read in the news that lots of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52-inch waist.
He’s very hypocritical.
In most African countries, you’re not allowed to take your leftovers from a restaurant.
Except one——Togo.
They came upon a street performer, who asked if he was visible.
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Did you hear about the tavern for West African bookstore workers with anti-government perspectives?
Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations
Why don't East Africans ever finish their alphabet soup? Because they only eat e o p a
The majority of them are cheetahs and the ones who claim they aren't are lion.
My African friend knows a lot about reds and whites - he's a wine Somaliac!
A South African policeman pulls over another South African for speeding and driving recklessly;
The policeman asks the driver to roll down his window.
The driver complies and a large puff of weed escapes the car.
The officer shakes his head and asks:
"Sir, how high are you?"
The driver immediately responds:
"No sir, it's hi, how are you?"
and drives off.
Who is the wealthiest African-American? African Elon Musk.
I'm so proud of my African pen pal. He told me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. That's the attitude! Keep it up pal.
It's funny how African superheroes have the same origin story - they're all from Cape Town!
Why did the three-year-old African boy buy a red convertible? Because he was going through a midlife crisis.
**An African student:** What's food?
**A European student:** What's scarcity?
**An American student:** What are "other countries"?
**A Chinese student:** What's "my own opinion"?
Why was the 2 month old African baby sobbing?
It was having its mid-life crisis.
I can't remember the names of any African countries...
Kenya?
How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?
Make a joke about black people.
What do you call an East African prince who's also a wine connoisseur?
A sommelier Somali heir
He bombards Seychelles by the seashore
Why did the African band win the battle of the bands?
Because they were outstanding.
I recently adopted an African baby. He was only 7 pounds! Plus shipping, naturally.
Hint: The one who's always Angry At Gas Cars
You think you can donate to an African country?
Well... Ghana?
The African Economy: Also known as, the underground market.
How did the African island challenge Tesla?
Madagascar.
In which South African city did Batman originate from?
Cape Town
If you spend too much time explaining why it's humorous, it perishes.
What is a North African's favorite type of music?
Moroccan Rock'n'Roll
Can you tell me the name of an African nation?
I don't know... Can ya?
Yeah, that's one.
I told a group of Africans a joke about food yesterday but nobody was laughing. I guess they just don't comprehend it.
Why did the brain doctor go to an African animal college?
He wanted to study the hippocampus.
What do you call it when robots plan an African themed party?
BotsWanna Party
What do you call a Hispanic, an Asian, and an African American who walk into a bar?
By their names, you racist jerks!!
My African brother, the fast dandelion died recently.
He wasn't faster than the lion.
I once tumbled into an African river but refused to acknowledge it; I was in denial.
There's a central African tribe of pygmy called the Fakawi.
But how did they get this name?
Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall.
Every now and then they could be seen jumping up shouting...
"Where the Fakawi?
What does an African Child and a COVID patient have in common?
They both can't taste food
A teacher asked an African student to use the word dandelion in a sentence.
The student responds:
The cheetah is faster than a dandelion.
Why don't Africans enjoy cruise ships? They're not falling for that again.
Why are African jokes the easiest to steal?
Well, none of them have a watermark.
Those kids are thrilled because they're finally receiving New England Patriots Super Bowl championship shirts!
How do people from pretend African countries play Limbo?
Same as everyone else, they Wakanda underneath the stick.
A lot of da Z's.
Turns out Zanzibar is missing a bar.
How do you begin an earthquake in East Africa?
Shake Djibouti.
What happens when there's an earthquake in the Horn of Africa?
Shake Djibouti!
What do you call a team of medical experts who sail around the Horn of Africa without getting bothered by pirates?
Doctors without borders.
I met a North African woman the other night, we chatted for hours.
We just connected.
In Toronto, I spotted a bumper sticker on a parked car that said:
"I miss South Africa."
So I smashed the window, grabbed the radio, and left a note that said:
"I trust this assists.
Attention class! I have two words: Cheetah and dandelion. Can anyone use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand and says,
"The cheetah is faster than a dandelion.
Archeologists in South Africa have just discovered what they think is the oldest tampon ever found.
They are trying to determine what era it came from.
I took a trip to South Africa and met a Khoisan lady.
We really connected.
Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...
Somalia got the boat.
Why is gambling prohibited in South Africa?
Because there are too many cheaters.
Some lions recently broke out of a nature reserve in South Africa.
They were ousted from their clique.
Perhaps they could try to rejoin the group.
However, their ego wouldn't allow it.
Which unit describes the intensity of light in South Africa?
Nelson Candle
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is bizarre;
You’d believe he was from mad-at-gas-car.
Y'know, I could have sworn South Africa had hippos
Is this the Mandela Effect?
If Elon Musk had been born in Madagascar, he would have made a gas car.
Why was Dr. Jekyll kicked out of South Africa?
Because he was a Hyde part
Egypt: Ayyubid
South Africa: Zulu
China: Ming
Greece: Helena
Italy: Medici
U.S.: Quack
Did you hear about the golf game between the African American golfer and white golfer from South Africa?
Eagle on the last hole would have won the match for the African American golfer, but a bogey tied.
I said "I've never Benin there, but I want Togo there sometime. However, I don't know if I'm Ghana be able to do that, since it's quite expensive."
What's the distinction between a regular cat and a man from West Africa? One has nine lives, and the other has nine wives.
Did you guys hear about the guy that went bowling in NY after he came back from West Africa?
They say he ebola'd a perfect game.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven just returned from a trip to West Africa.
If he goes to West Africa before coming to the UK, I'm barricading the chimney up.
I was in the city today and saw an elderly woman attempting to cross the street. Every time she stepped off the curb, a car almost hit her. I yelled at her, "There's a zebra crossing down there." She yelled back, "I hope he's having better luck than I am.
My local council just installed a zebra crossing near the primary school. What a waste of money, I've never even seen a zebra in this city!
Why isn't the chicken crossing the road?
Because it's a zebra crossing.
Why are lions terrible at driving?
They always get stuck at every zebra crossing.
Because there wasn't a zebra crossing.
Sorry, my 5-year-old son made me share this.
So if you're having trouble getting something done, it's probably because a zebrafish is borrowing the DNA.
What happens when you put a zebra in a lion enclosure?
You get fired from the zoo
What does a zebra call his closest pals?
Zeebros.
Why are zebras like my socks?
Each has its own unique stripes.
I was in town today and saw an elderly woman attempting to cross the street. Every time she stepped off the curb a car nearly hit her. I yelled at her, "There's a zebra crossing down there." She yelled back, "I hope he's having better luck than I am.
That horse has been to jail.
A leopard attempted to escape his enclosure by posing as a zebra.
Unfortunately, he was caught in the act.
Two donkeys are standing at the roadside, one asks the other: "Should we cross?"
His friend replies: "No way, look what happened to that zebra.
A Zebra walks into a pub and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you."
The Zebra asks, "Why not?"
"Because you're striped," replies the bartender.
I just came up with this joke, but I doubt I'm the first. Sorry if it's lame.
Q: You're galloping on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer drop-off. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?
A: Get your tipsy butt off the merry-go-round!
A zebra and a giraffe have a child and named him Al. Al is really good at math. What species is he? He's an Al-ge-bra!
When is the perfect time to devour a zebra?
When it's striped.
A Zebra with body dysmorphia goes to the doctor...
Tells the doctor he spends hours a day criticizing himself in the mirror.
Doctor replies, "It's easy. Stop seeing things in black and white."
\- Technical Crab, 04/3/19 circa afternoon.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra genes?
Kicked out of the zoo!
For my birthday, I'd like to tell you that I eat zebras...
but then I'd be tiger
Why did the blonde name her pet Zebra Spot?
The punchline:
What do penguins, black and white films, zebras, and newspapers all have in common? The next generation won't know what any of those things are.
Two chickens are trying to cross the road. One turns around to the other and asks, "Should we cross here?" The other chicken replies, "Screw that! Have you seen what they did to the zebra?!"
Student: last night, the only thing between my hand and my gf's boobs was zebra
What do you get when you mix Helen Keller and a Zebra?
A referee.
What does a fisherman and a zebra have in common?
They both run like hell away when they see a tiger.
Why isn't the chicken crossing the road? Because it's a Zebra Crossing.
Two donkeys are standing next to a street light debating whether to cross the zebra crossing or not.
Donkey-1: Hey, what are you waiting for? Let's cross the road!
Donkey-2: No way! Did you see what happened to the zebra?
What's black, white, and red all over? The slowest zebra in the pack.
Why did a statistician bring a zebra with him when he got on a train?
Because statistically, it's a lot less probable to have a train accident with a zebra inside it...
I read the dictionary the other day. At the beginning you think it’s the aardvark, but by the end it turns out the zebra did it.
What's black and white and lives in Africa?
A zebra.
What's black and white and hides in caves?
A zebra that owes me dough.
The Chicken is upset that even after all the jokes, the crosswalk on the road is still named after a Zebra.
I am a zebra.
What's the discrepancy between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can lug something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can haul someone half her age into bed.
I was hiking yesterday when all of a sudden I bumped into a cougar. It almost made me puma pants!
When a cougar becomes so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard.
What do you get when you cross the mailman with a cougar? According to the paternity test: me.
I attempted to date a cougar once.
However, it turns out she was a leopard.
What's the distinction between a bobcat and a cougar?
You drive a Bobcat, a cougar drives you.
I saw a cougar at the zoo today. Now it looks like a leprechaun.
I'm really afraid of running into cougars when I go for a jog;
If I ever saw one, I'd Puma Pants.
I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.
It appears that the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to insist they know that much. On the other hand, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that knowledge to pick up an older woman in a bar.
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm noticing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Intelligent.
If a cougar is a woman who prefers younger men... then a man who likes younger men must be a:
Nittany lion!
Just give him a fake name and sneak him out in the morning.
My neighbor is a cougar who is into BDSM;
You could say she is really into strapping handsome lads.
I just learned that my elderly wife was being unfaithful to me. It looks like she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah!
What do you call a one-eyed cougar? A Mountain Lion.
Forget cougars, I'm a Puma hunter.
On the prowl searching for
Kitten below my age.
I've never wrestled a mountain lion, but I did strangle a cougar once.
Is he going after dinosaurs now?
Where do cantaloupes go during summertime?
To John Cougar Mellencamp's garden!
According to my Mom, my Dad hooked up with a cougar once which is how I came to be.
It's funny how science works.
What kind of summer camp would a toilet, a mountain lion, and a cantaloupe all attend? A John Cougar Melon Camp.
There was a Mother's Day getaway in the mountains; there were too many middle-aged women.
A Glasgow lady has reported multiple terrifying sightings of a puma in her local park.
Similar events were reported in England, as when the nightclubs reopened, folks saw a massive number of prowling cougars.
What's the contrast between "Daddy" and "Motherf*cker"?
Daddy's not into older women.
Why are panthers much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard relatives? Because they're always unspotted.
If Black Panther were a Pokemon, Ash would ask him...
Wakanda Pokemon are you?
I went to see Black Panther today, and the employee at the concession stand asked what kind of snacks I wanted.
They're the Tolkien Caucasian dudes.
Edit: Apparently someone posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a duck.
¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I saw Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.
I had no clue what kind of Wakanda movie it was.
Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant.
To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, dooo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.
T'challa's father was the Black Panther initially; however, he was more of a lyin' ruler.
1. Complete tasks
2. Do more tasks
3. Keep doing tasks like a boss
What does the black panther use for protection?
Wakacondoms
*Durum durum... durum... durum durum durum durum duruuuuum.... dududurum.*
Critics are comparing Aquaman to Black Panther. At first glance, the movies do seem alike. They both feature ancient sci-fi utopias hidden from the rest of the world. In each movie, there's a struggle for the throne in order to prevent a war. However, they are overlooking one major distinction: the characters in Aquaman can swim.
The Black Panther is starting a landscaping and lawn business.
He's calling it Wakanda Grass.
I was walking down the street and saw someone making a Black Panther joke.
Wakanda heck does he think he is?
What in the Wakanda kind of question is that?
Sorry if this is a repost, this just struck me. I couldn't find it by searching on my phone.
Who is Black Panther's Secretary of Defense?
Wakandaleezza Rice
To-do... To-do... To-do, to-do, to-do... To-do, to doooo...
I saw this on The Doghouse Diaries today and it cracked me up...
If Black Panther made Jewish bread for Thor's party,
would it be T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah?
I didn't particularly enjoy the new Black Panther...
It felt like only three-fifths of a movie.
The dude who played Killmonger in Black Panther is fantastic; he's the Michael Jordan of acting.
I spotted a girl sporting a Black Panther shirt today.
So I stroll up to her and ask, "Hey girl, what kind of Wakanda music do you jam to?
Pink Panther was looking for his friend's apartment.
He drives down a street and suddenly drives into.
It was a
Dead-end.
Dead-end.
Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd...
A black guy at the cinema told me (a white guy) I wasn't allowed to watch "Black Panther." Apparently I have to purchase a "ticket.
Did you hear that they changed the theme song when they found out the Pink Panther was a Redditor?
Now it goes pedant pedant....
How was Black Panther conceived?
By not using a Wacondom.
What does Black Panther say when he sees something dumb?
Wakanda nonsense is this!
Why is the pink panther the busiest of felines?
He always has something to do,
to do, to do do do dodo dodoooh
What material are the Pink Panther's pants made out of?
Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmm
To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo...
I bet you $20 I can predict the score of the big game tonight before it even begins.
Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0
The Make-A-Wish Foundation staff come around and say, "Well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We'll do our best to get them."
So Timmy says, "I wanna see Black Panther!"
The Doctor says, "Hold on now, you'll see him in a couple of days anyways. Why don't you pick someone else?
If Black Panther took place in Mexico, the name of the protagonist would be...
T'Cholo.
I was ordering food for the cast of Black Panther. I asked if they liked pizza.
They said, "It depends. Wakanda forever?"
The NHL's Florida Panthers have apologized to their fans for utilizing Kevin Spacey in a marketing campaign, but it's probably a good thing. He's a better match for the Nashville Predators.
This was right around the time Black Panther had come out so I go "hell yea I'll try that !"
She gon come back: SIR....... WHAT. KIND. OF. SAUCE.
Who's there?
Panther
Panther who?
Panther no pants, I'm going skinny dipping
I'm gonna dress up as Forrest Gump tonight and go to the movies and cause a scene.
Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party.
There are now 3 unbeaten cat teams in the NFL!
The Panthers, the Bengals, and the Cheetahs.
I got booted out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song... It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...
What do a tank museum and a zoo have in common?
They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers, and elephants.
The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie, making it the first dark entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a Caucasian entity.
"Durum durum... durum... durum durum durum durum duruuuuum.... dududurum."
1. TO DO
2. TO DO
3. TO DO TO DO TO DO TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Smashed ant
Smashed ant
Smashed ant smashed ant smashed ant smashed ant smashed ant
The pink panther likes to dance;
To do to do to do to do to do to dooo dodododo
Why is the Pink Panther the busiest of cats?
He always has something to do,
to do, to do, do do dodo dodoooh
To-do... To-do... To do, to do, to do... To do, to doooo...
Saw this on The Doghouse Diaries today and it made me chuckle...
What material are the Pink Panther's jeans crafted from?
Denimmmmm D-e-n-i-mmmm
Pink Panther was looking for his friend's apartment.
He drives down a street and suddenly realizes he's in a
Dead-end.
Dead-end.
Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd...
To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to done, to dooooooo...
Did you hear that they changed the theme song when they found out the Pink Panther was a Redditor?
Now it goes pedantic pedantic...
I got booted from my aunt's funeral for belting out a song... it was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt...
Deforestation is so sad it makes me cry...
*reached for a handful of tissues*
I purchased a book about the perils of deforestation.
The opening page reads, "You're not assisting!
Where were all the lumberjacks headed on the train?
Deforestation
I had a dream about deforestation...
Woke up morning wood.
Yo momma is so plant-based and plump... that she devoured a dish and got apprehended for deforestation.
Did you know that Groot never trims his body hair? He's protesting deforestation.
Which pianist enjoys deforestation?
Chopin
I searched on Google "how to start a forest fire."
It came up with approximately 48,500 matches.
I tried to join in the battle against the Australian bushfires...
They told me I was too koalified. (If you found this amusing, please consider donating to Australia. Thank you)
4 out of 5 forest fires are started by people...
Which scares the heck out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to light matches.
I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent wildfires. Apparently I'm the only one who could have ignited them.
What's the contrast between roast beef and forest fires?
Anyone can roast beef but only YOU can prevent forest fires.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out sizzling ducks!
When Smokey perished in a forest fire, how did his body make it to the graveyard?
Pallbears.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stomp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stomp out flaming ducks.
Do you know why ducks have flat feet?
For stomping out forest fires.
Do you know why elephants have flat feet?
You'd think it'd be from jumping out of trees, but it's to stomp out burning ducks.
What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?
Gen X
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1RunForrest1.
What's Forrest Gump's preferred type of pasta?
Penne
What's Forrest Gump's Password?
1Forrest1
Courtesy of Google's daily joke.
I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and cause a scene.
Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
Because his wife left him.
Also,
what is Forest Gump's password?
1RunForest1
A lumberjack walked into a magical forest to chop down a tree. When he arrived, he began to swing at a tree when it suddenly exclaimed, "Hold on! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack chuckled and replied, "Well then, let's have a conversation.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... then my unethical logging business is a success.
What generation does Forrest Gump belong to?
Gen Z.
Why did Logan Paul visit the suicide forest?
To end his career.
4 out of 5 forest fires are started by people...
Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to ignite matches.
I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.
After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.
After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong brand of compass...
Don't matter which forest or how big it is, silly, it's always halfway. Any more than that and you're on the way out. Duh!
Two toothpicks are strolling through the forest when they come across a hedgehog. One says to the other, "Look, a car!
The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receives 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.
The CIA burns down the entire forest and says there's no rabbit.
The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams, "OK, I'm a rabbit!
My boyfriend is like the forest ground:
Nuts and leaves
...is he still mistaken?
A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s pitch dark.
Victim: I’m terrified...
Killer: You’re terrified, I have to walk out of here alone.
Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest. Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men. Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!
Two men were wandering through a forest and found some tracks. One of them thought they were deer tracks, the other thought they were moose tracks. They were still arguing about it when the train ran them over.
He said " They wouldn't follow Ent trails". I said "That's an offal joke".
Two blondes are searching for a Christmas tree in the forest.
After two hours of looking, one says: "Let's grab one without any Christmas decorations.
A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.
Hunter in camouflage attire: "WHAT IN THE WORLD???!"
Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"
Why does a dog camouflage itself in the forest?
It blends in with the woofs.
My 4-year-old came up with that one.
What does a forest wear beneath all the plants?
Plant undies
I was strolling through a forest and came across a dead body. I started to check my map, because I was clearly going in circles.
Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta confess I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're frightened... I gotta walk back alone!"
Why do mathematicians adore the forest? Because they want to observe the geome-tree of it.
Where is the best place to purchase a rainforest?
Amazon
A princess wanders into the forest to find her prince;
while she's strolling around she comes across a talking frog.
She inquires the frog: "Will you transform into a prince if I kiss you?"
The frog responds: "Nah, that's my brother, you need to blow me to make it work."
I was rated "number 1 least likely to murder you in a cabin in a forest" in high school.
I know, kind of a strange thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
"It's a bunny," said the first.
"It's a rabbit," said the second.
The third one bent down to look and a train ran over him.
- Well... I had a little issue with the results. I accidentally mixed them up with another patient, we don't know if she has AIDS or Alzheimer's.
+ What should I do now?
- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don't touch her.
How do trees go potty in the forest?
They drop a log!
The color scheme of most public bathrooms at public beaches and forests is on the depressing earth-tones and brown side... I mean, poop.
Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.
Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.
She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.
"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"
"Get out of here. I'm peeing!
What do you call The Joker in a chilly forest?
Joaquin in a frosty wonderland.
If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear it, is the event even relevant? Of course not! However, a Chihuahua 500 miles away will start barking.
Damn girl, are you a forestry major? Cause I wanna take a DBH measurement.
One Ferdinand is worth two in the bush.
There are actually TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.
A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.
The color scheme of most public restrooms in public beaches and forests leans towards the depressing earth-tones and brown side...
I mean, crap.
Why do mathematicians enjoy forests?
Because of all the organic logs
What do you call an contract between two forests?
A tree-ty!
The ones with devious trees.
Is it safe to visit the forests of Germany?
I heard there may be a tree-mendous danger.
What do all the Rainforest Animals exclaim when the Jaguar finishes their shower?
They can't say anything, because the Jaguar is completely spotless.
I got lost in the jungle and I needed provisions, so I ordered from Amazon!
What do you call a tired rainforest?
Pajamazon
Approximately a Brazilian.
Nobody seems to discuss the Amazon Rainforest;
I figured it'd be a steamier subject by now
Sorry, I meant 55%
Edit: 45%
Edit2: 30%
Edit3: 5%
Edit4: Weird, Brazil doesn't even own a rainforest
One time I was sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.
To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is not helpful.
Jaguars are fantastic swimmers.
I was just minding my own business enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer demolished 30% of the cafe.
I bought the "Sounds of the Rainforest CD", but it wasn't as relaxing as I hoped. The first half was birds chirping, the rest was chainsaws and bulldozers.
For the nursery, my wife and I decided on a rainforest theme.
I hope our little dude enjoys the sound of chainsaws.
Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it would be financially unwise to try to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a thinly populated area.
What do you call a forest where animals talk about current events?
A topical rainforest.
I feel like Disney is taking the "Rainforest Cafe" theme too seriously;
I was just sitting there enjoying my meal when they bulldozed half of the place down.
"Ha ha ha! My unauthorized tree chopping enterprise is thriving!"
At my memorial service for all the trees burned down in the Amazon Rainforest, there were no women in attendance;
It was packed with dudes grieving wood.
Has anyone noticed that before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the "Blaze"?
Honestly, vegans need to chill. If they keep devouring the Amazon rainforest we won't have any air left to breathe.
A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to jump higher than a one-story house. This is because of the incredibly strong hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses do not jump.
I was like "Bro, this thing has 4WD Low Range and diff locks, it'll handle that shit easily"
.. I'm like "Man, it's got 4 wheel drive... We can go anywhere you want!"
-Michael Palascak
I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to beware of the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still reside there. I'm not sure what the commotion is about. Who doesn't appreciate a little head?
Why can't you find painkillers in the rainforest?
Because they're all tree-mendously hard to spot!
With this in mind, I've just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human species to help protect it.
It's over 2000 pages long.
Why is Amazon a jungle?
Because it has all the clouds.
Lame tech joke, sorry!!
Scientists claim that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025, but if we work really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017.
A woodsman strolls into the woods and discovers a lovely tree to chop down. As he grabs his axe, the tree pleads, "WAIT! I'M A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DON'T CUT ME DOWN!" He replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.
At night it was making love in tents.
What do you call a person who remembers everything about Woodstock?
A fibber.
How did the stoners make it to Woodstock?
They rode the canna-bus.
Wow, talk about a crappy way to go.
Why are leopards terrible at hiding? No matter where they hide, they're always spotted.
Why are panthers so much sneakier than their jaguar and leopard relatives? Because they're never spotted.
They all believe he's a cheetah.
How can you identify a leopard?
You can't, they come that way
Did anybody read the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?
It was recently spotted.
No, they come already spotted.
- Courtesy of my eight-year-old, about ten seconds ago.
Why couldn't the cheetah play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
Which side of a leopard has more spots?
The other side
What's the biggest thing that differentiates Jaguars from Leopards?
The Great Wall of China.
Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.
Yeah, I know it's Def Leppard, auto-correct messed that up for me.
Regardless, my recollection of my pet is quite spotty.
I thought I saw a cheetah once;
But it turns out they're born that way.
What did the Leopard say after eating a spicy hot dog?
That really hit the spot.
However, he was spotted.
A leopard can carry something twice its weight up a tree,
While a cougar can bring something half her age into bed.
The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the congressman wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...;
"Please, just wear your police uniform."
How does Gordon Ramsay differentiate a leopard from a jaguar?
ITS BLOODY ROAR!
Did you hear about the man who got his face torn off by a leopard?
He's alt-right now.
A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.
"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.
He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say "We are jaguars.".
I spotted a cougar at the zoo today.
Now it looks like a cheetah.
Why was the furry who couldn't hear a great drummer?
Because they were in a band called Deaf Leopard!
I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a drumstick out the window. Now I can only play for Def Leppard.
How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?
When you ask yourself, "When the heck did I buy leopard print?
Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says "World's most dangerous beas" and it's just a mirror in it.
Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The jaguar's escaped again.
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
Bartender exclaims, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
What's the distinction between a jungle feline who composed his PhD thesis on the economic impacts of taxation, and the group of insects that includes butterflies and moths? One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy.
What has 9 arms and sucks?
Definitely leopard
...had to switch to Def Leppard.
If a leopard and a cheetah both ran companies, which stock should you purchase?
A: The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
It was your typical cheetah scam
The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the congressman wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."
How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?
When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print underwear.
