Why did the brain doctor go to an African animal college?
He wanted to study the hippo-campus.
The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal. She ponders for a second and then a voice in the background yells "Rhino!"
The host says "I know you do Shaggy, but it's not your turn..."
What kind of phone does an Animal Crossing character have?
A meowkia
You know why girls enjoy playing Animal Crossing? Because it's the only time they have pockets!
Man, managing a bunch of animals? I guess it really is a poop zoo.
Animal Crossing and Doom Eternal are coming out on the same day. Do I play a slightly more forgiving, welcoming and less violent simulation of real life?
Or do I play Doom Eternal instead?
Why are Nintendo gamers afraid of the fence?
Because it stops animal crossing.
What do you call a prejudiced dog from Animal Crossing?
KKK Slider
It was a chilly autumn morning in 2015, I was in a job interview.
When the interviewer asked me where I'd be in 5 years, I said I'd be gloomy, isolated, barricading myself at home and playing Animal Crossing.
I guess you can say I have 20-20 foresight.
What is Nina Tucker's father's preferred game?
Animal Crossing!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to play Animal Crossing.
I've been quite busy during quarantine; my steamy Animal Crossing fan fiction is going to rock some worlds!
Somebody stolen my first edition copies of 1984 and Animal Farm.
Oh whale.
Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?
Because they're all Veteran Aryans.
What's the silliest animal in the jungle?
The Polar bear.
If animal organs were compatible with humans...
Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to choose one.
What's a big grey animal that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant
All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants... so what do you call a group of Karens?
A complaint department.
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
He asks the bartender, "What the heck is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish guy shouts back, "Oh my goodness! How big are the cats?"
Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.
What's a vegan's preferred animal?
The high horse.
I was kidnapped by a mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear paws.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
All forms of gifts that show their thoughtful care and affection, but also a touch of cancer.
My city's sex workers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters. They're calling it pound-for-pound!
So I saw my wacky neighbor chatting with her cat. She was gazing at it like she believed it understood.
When I arrived home, I shared this tale with my dog and we both chuckled.
My child adores animal sound jokes, what's your finest?
His preferred is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!
Several of Hitler's Generals disappeared after the war, and became veterinarians.
Because they were Veteran Aryans.
I dated a Hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.
I didn't understand, I was raised Catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.
What's the spookiest creature in Canada?
A Cari-BOO
Two Native American animal trackers sit on their horses.
One dismounts, lays his ear to the ground and after a moment he says, "Buffalo approach."
His friend asks, "How do you know?"
Then he stands up and touches the side of his face, "Gummed.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal!
“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
What’s the worst profession to nap with your patient?
Animal taxidermist
An opossum, the "O" is ninja silent.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
What's the only creature unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian Crocodiles.
Because they dwell in the Nile.
So, what is a three "L" lama?
A huge fire in Boston.
What animal is never hungry during Christmas? The turkey! It's always stuffed!
I don't criticize. Whatever lifts your llama.
What animal is despised by most board game players?
A cheetah.
What animal has the biggest boobs?
The Zebra
Why did the golfer get kicked out of the animal rights club? Because he hit a birdie.
Where does a creature that lost its tail go?
To the retail store.
My wife said all I do is tell silly animal jokes;
She’s welcome to seal others.
I saw a story about a YouTuber giving his followers animal carcasses.
He was clearly just trying to get a reaction because he’d done things like this before. It was a dead giveaway.
I got slobbered on by a farm critter and was convinced it was doomsday.
Teacher: What does the pig give?
Student: Bacon
Teacher: What does the chicken give?
Student: Eggs
Teacher: What does the cow give?
Student: Milk
Nike once conducted animal testing on their sneakers;
None of them fit correctly.
So Noah asked them, "Why aren't you reproducing?"
The snakes replied, "We can't, we're adders."
What is a trigonometry teacher's favorite animal?
A Hippopotanuse.
What is the worst animal to play cards with?
A cheetah.
Because it will tear your freaking face off.
I don't know, but his wife said he was a cheetah!
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull coming back from a playground.
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the dog.
A war hero becomes a veterinarian. Years later he retires.
He's not a triple threat, he's a triple Vet. (Credit to my 12-year-old child)
My favorite animal is the beaver because I want people to look at me and be like, "Damm..!!"
What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?
A guinea pig
PETA claims that their ads have significantly decreased animal abuse...
But seeing those naked models in billboards and magazines has only made me spank my monkey harder
My ex told me her spirit animal was the tiger...
but it turned out it was the cheetah.
How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?
An Donkey, a Kitty, two calves, ten piggies and who knows how many bunnies! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70s. Wondered if it was well known.
What is a robot's favorite animal?
A cowculator.
From my 7-year-old.
One rides a group of females, the other writes a bunch of emails
Purrsty.
Guy: We should really reconsider testing our products on animals.
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Guy: Yeah, but we manufacture hammers.
Why do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?
Kicked out of the zoo.
What kind of animal makes the best therapists?
Owls. They truly give a hoot.
A man visits a zoo, but the only creature in the whole zoo is a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
A man was strolling through the desert and stumbled upon a flock of vultures devouring a deceased animal.
The vultures paused their meal and gazed at him, clearly perturbed.
The man nonchalantly remarked "Corpse.
Mules are incredible creatures, but when it comes to getting the job done, they always half-ass it.
Girls say I'm a wild animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
What aquatic creature wears a red coat and a sequined glove on its flipper?
Thriller Whale!
-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.
-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy... big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time...
-Yes sir, but we make teddy bears.
If I could be an animal for one day, I think I'd choose a sloth.
That's why Canada is the best darn country in the world!
What's Donald Trump's power animal?
The wall-rus.
The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.
He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.
What animal was Osama bin Laden scared of?
SEALs
I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that don't test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going out of their way to hire and give animals jobs.
As an animal lover and activist, I actively place animals on my plate and I thoroughly enjoy consuming them.
I work with animals," the man says to his date. "That's so cute," she replies.
"I admire a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.
My neighbor received a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.
His selection? A skunk. His diagnosis? Psychopath.
The oldest animal is the zebra because they are black and white.
